Position Vacant

JOB TITLE:Gay Best Friend
DATE REQUIRED:21st November 2007
REPORTS TO: The Management
DEPT: Fashion and Fuck Buddy Finder
SUPERVISES:Nil

JOB SUMMARY
Due to the resignation as of the 21st November of the incumbent, Todd, this high level and prestigious position has become vacant.
It requires attention to detail due to the closeness of the working relationship. It can be full on, as well as quite at times. You will be required to be a good cultural conversationalist, shoulder to cry on, a drinking partner, a dating and fashion adviser, a plus one and other duties as required.

REPORTING RELATIONSHIPS
There will no direct report in this role, however you may be occasionally called upon to assist with other friends’ fashion and dating misfortunes

DUTIES & ESSENTIAL JOB FUNCTIONS
1. Concert and gig attendance, occasionally throws underwear on stage.
2. Fashion advice and the ability to say; ‘I never want to see you wearing that thing again!’
3. The drinking of the wine and the making of cosmopolitans
4. Be able to discuss interesting books, such as Kafka and shit like that (crime novels and science fiction don’t count).
5. Must appreciate my homemade chicken liver and mushroom pate, but not bug me to make it all the time.
6. Must be able to think of and plan expensive day trips.
7. Willing to attend Star Wars on Ice and other ridiculously boring British theatrical crap.
8. Must be fit and very good looking (FYI… no actual Gay applicant would find this in the least offensive)
9. Must be able to talk about yourself at length and repeatedly to the exclusion of others. But know when to stop and at least pretend to be interested in those around you (if only to pause and think of something else to say about yourself).
10. Must be able to instantaneously come up with ridiculous, yet fun ideas, such as New Year’s resolutions to stalk famous people

OTHER FUNCTIONS AND RESPONSIBILITIES
You must be open and honest at all times. If you think something is a bad idea you must say so. The management will not hold it against you. If you think the management has made a bad fashion decision that morning you must say so. This also applies to hairstyles, make up jewellery and men. Especially men. Did I mention men?

QUALIFICATIONS
· A BA/BSc or higher qualification as the ability to converse is a must.
· The candidate would be able to instruct Management on how to suck a freight train off its rails
· The candidate would ideally have a solid track record with successful one night stands

REQUIRED
· Must read books that occasionally require a dictionary to look up big words
· Must know the difference between a wine that comes from a cardboard box and a bottle
· Must live within a 1kms radius of Surry Hills

PREFERRED


REQUIRED LICENSES/CERTIFICATIONS


PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS/WORK ENVIRONMENT
A fit and healthy person is required for this position as the hours may be odd at times. There will be late nights and early mornings. There will also be brunch in cafes about town so the ability to sit on uncomfortable and wobbly stools a must.

Todd will be available for a hand over until the 21st November, at which time he is returning to the United States to live. He has offered to assist with the handover only if the candidate is willing to sleep with him exactly twice.

Happy Halloween!

Sickity Do-Dah!

I have neglected you. I haven’t written since Monday and even then it was only brief. I have failed to notify you of what a cracking concert The Basics did on Friday. I have neglected to wax lyrical about my hangover and brunch with Todd on Saturday. I haven’t given you the low down on the student BBQ I went to on Sunday evening.

Why you ask.

I’ve been sick. I slept until 3.30 yesterday (like the sloth I am) but woke felling much better. Today I am still feeling a bit crappy with a runny nose, stuffed up head and minor aching bones. It’s giving my motivation issues with work, but I’ll get there.

Live long and prosper!

He's a Winner

Holy Crap!...


Gotye won Best Male Artist at last night ARIAS, How good is that?

He beat John Butler Trio and got to stand next to Missy Higgins. Yee Ha!

PS. Pictures from the Arias website, go here for more.

UPDATE 11:11 - He was just on Channel 10 News Update and the pronounced his name correctly.

Have You Ever - MeMe

Thanks to The Other Andrew for doing these and tipping me off. I'm supposed to tag people i believe, but just let me know if you do them by putting the URL in the comments.

1. Taken a picture completely naked?
Yes

2. Made out with a friend on your MySpace/Facebook page?
What’s Facebook ;-)?

3. Danced in front of your mirror naked?
Yes

4. Told a lie?
Yes. Loads but only for good reasons

5. Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?
Err yeah…has the queen got a crown?

6. Been arrested?
Nope…always been a good girl

7. Made out with someone of the same sex?
Once, but I freaked out when she touched my boob.

8. Seen someone die?
No

9. Slept in until 5pm?
Ohh yes… it’s amazing

10. Had sex at work?
No ;(

11. Fallen asleep at work/school?
Yes, every week in physics with Mr. Puttock and I still passed. I also fallen asleep in a business meeting or five

12. Held a snake?
Yes, several at reptile displays and one that I tried to save after it had been run over, but it was to badly injured and died

13. Ran a red light?
Yes, but by accident and I resulted in an accident. No one was hurt

14. Been suspended from school?
No…I was perceived as a square, but really I was just loney so spent loads of time in the library

15. Totaled your car in an accident?
Err yes... but it was a hire car. Thank goodness I took out the extra $4 insurance to bring the excess down to $400. I came out of it with a big bump on my head, back pain a neck brace and scratch on my right arm

16. Pole danced?
No

17. Smoked?
Never, nasty habit

18. Been fired from a job?
Not technically, but as a contractor they just don’t renew your contract.

19. Sang karaoke?
Ohh Yeah baby… Rawhide is my song of choice along with Don’t Cry For Me Argentina if Todd’s not around

20. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
Yes, I joined a gym

21. Laughed until a drink came out your nose?
Yes…on many occasions

22. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Yes, I find it helps to come from a place that actually gets snow

23. Kissed in the rain?
Yes

24. Sang in the shower?
Yes (see 19. Sang karaoke?)

25. Given your private parts a nickname?
Nope

26. Ever gone out without underwear?
On occasion, but the creepy crawlies on the ground get scared and it causes plagues so I don’t do it often

27. Sat on a roof top?
Nope, sorry

28. Played chicken?
Yes

29. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
Yes. NOT. HAPPY. (Sorry TOA, but you put it perfectly)

30. Broken a bone?
Yes, but only my left little toe (twice) and my index and middle finger on my left hand. But, they were painful enough to know I don’t want to break anything bigger

31. Mooned/flashed someone?
Yes, a friend of my mum’s who kept going on about how glorious my boobs where. One day I lifted my top, I was wearing a bra, but I thought he was going to wet himself, it was hilarious!

32. Shaved your head?
Yes, in March 2007, I raised $1300 for Leukaemia research

33. Slept naked?
Every night, now

34. Played a prank on someone?
What a silly question

35. Had a gym membership?
Yes, twice

36. Felt like killing someone?
Not actually killing, but a nasty accident would be nice

37. Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
I think so, but never really seen it, just the watery eyes. Sorry

38. Cried over someone you were in love with?
Yes, and I don’t cry often

39. Had sex more than 10 times in one day?
I don’t count, but my guess would be NO!

40. Had Mexican jumping beans for pets?
I don’t think so, but I have had; cats, dogs, guinea pigs, rabbits, galahs, cockatiels, doves, alpacas, mohair goats, pigeons, a donkey and a tortoise. I don't think I missed anything

41. Been in a band?
No, but I’m a groupie, does that count?

42. Subscribed to Maxim?
No, does Playgirl count?

43. Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol?
Yes…it got ugly, real fast

44. Shot a gun?
Yes, many times

45. Had sex today?
No, but it’s only 4pm and feel optimistic

46. Played strip poker?
Yes, I won

47. Tripped on mushrooms?
Don’t they flatten out if you tread on them?

48. Donated Blood?
Yes in the days before I was a mad cow

49. Video taped yourself having sex?
No

50. Eaten alligator meat?
Does crocodile count, ‘cause if it does then I have and it tastes and feels like calamari.

51. Ever jump out of an airplane?
Nope and I don’t intend to unless for some reason the plane is going to fail to get me to my destination.

52. Have you been to more than 10 countries?
No…England, India, Wales, France, Spain, Greece (Corfu) and the Isle of Wight. Ohh, hang on, the Isle of Wight doesn’t count, so make it 6 and NO.

53. Ever wanted to have sex with a platonic friend?
Yes…but it will never happen. I’m realistic

My Primitive Brain

Again with the news!

This story I can relate to though and I believe I should shove it up the noses of the tradeys doing the work on the house next door.

I don’t know if I actually written down the sequence of events over the last few weeks, but here goes. I’m sorry to my nearest and dearest who have heard this story told through gritted teeth over gulped wine.

To set this up you need to know I live in house 139.

Four weeks ago on Sunday 30th September I was looking forward to the public holiday the next day and the sleep I would get. I had no plans except a sleep in.

0650 on the 1st October there was drilling in 141
0710 on the 2nd October there was hammering in 141 and a sign appeared in the front gate of 137 saying that they had development approval.
0705 on the 3rd October there was drilling in 141 – After I had showered, dressed and stomped about for a bit I knocked on the door of 141 and asked how long he was planning on starting at stoopid o’clock? The tradey didn’t understand English so I told nicely and with lots of hand gestures. NOT BEFORE EIGHT!
0640 on 4th October there was more hammering from 141 – My birthday and day off! I not so politely called the guy as inconsiderate arsehole and went out for the day.
0710 on 5th October.

On Sunday 7th October there was a knock on my door at about 11am. It was the neighbour from 137 asking me to sign a government document saying that it was OK for her to fix her roof (previous owner removed fireplace/supporting wall with out replacing support) I spoke with her while and we agreed that 8am was a civilised time to start and I signed the form on the condition that 8am would be the start time.

0700 on the 10th October there was hammering from 137…

This has continued (varying between 0700 and 0720) since despite me asking nicely and upping the time constraint to 7.30 on two more occasions since the first conversation on my dorrstep. Maybe I’m being unreasonable, and I concede that I could be, but now even scientist are saying I need my sleep or I’m likely to do damage, because my primative brain in leaning toward FIGHT, way more than flight.

News Smooze

I’m not generally a big reader of the news. I find it fires my blood and makes me angry, so I avoid it. I don’t buy newspapers except to read book reviews and I’ve stopped that with a subscription to ABR. Unfortunately using Yahoo! for my mail means I get news in front of me everyday. I try to avoid clicking on the teasing little titbits but I’m not always successful.

I find news reporting seems to be about sensationalising what little is happening. OK, so there have been a few things happening in Australia recently; the policeman who found his own son at the scene of a car accident, the body in the suitcase, the election and the mother to be miscarrying her baby while waiting to be seen. All of these things suck, big time, but the reason I mention them is because everyone else seems to being blamed for these tragedies.

The father was blamed for his seventeen year old son driving with too many passengers and after curfew. DOCS (Dept of Community Services) were blamed for allowing a mother to kill her son before stuffing him in a suitcase and throwing it in a duck pond. Doctors and nurses have been blamed and well, we can blame democracy for the elections, I’m sure the press will.

Now, today I read about a guy in Russia who has just been convicted of killing more than fifty people by luring them to drink vodka with him, then getting them drunk before beating them to death. He has shown no remorse and has even said that his first kill was like falling love.

Who are the press going to blame for that one; the vodka company?

Mozzies

In case you were wondering what sanding sounds like from the other side of a wall, I can now inform you, with reliability that it sounds like a giant mosquito.

I can also say with authority that it’s a very nasty sound to be woken up by when you’re already having freaky dreams.

I can’t wait for the tradey fu*kers next door to finish. They broke their promise again and commenced at 0705 this morning.

How to Stop Morons?

I was perusing news on the net this morning due to my extra ordinarily early start when I saw this brief story about a biker that had his licence suspended.

What makes anyone think that this jerk is going to stay off the road just because he’s had his license taken away?

He was going 144 in a 50 zone in the middle of the afternoon for crying out loud!

Tom Cat

I was lying in bed this morning asleep, or at least I think I was, or at the very least in the half state between sleep and awake waiting for the drilling next door to start when I heard a rat-a-tat-tat knock on my front door. I looked at the clock, 0705.

I got out of bed, opened the door a crack and hid everything but my head behind it (naked from the waist down you see). Standing on my step was the lady from next door but one. Bobbie I think her name is. She moved out yesterday.

‘Have you seen my cat?’

Well…I won’t write what went through my head at the point, but what I said was, ‘I’ve only seen my own.’

A little further investigation revealed, after all she wouldn’t leave and she kept talking about her white half Persian with blue eyes called Rocky, that her was two years old, not de-sexed, unmicro-chipped and had no collar. Also, she revealed that when she was loading up the car with all her stuff she let him out because the friends that came to help brought their dog with them.

D’oh!

I didn’t have the heart to tell her she would probably never see him again.

David Jones verses Myer

Over the course of the last few months I have had need of the services of many shopping establishments. David Jones has always been a firm favourite of mine due to their excellent service, decent brands and the fact I have a store card with them.

Myer on the other hand (or Grace Brothers until recently) have been good to me, but I never really liked their service levels and their choice of brands is sometimes lacking. Neither the less I have shopped there.

Last week I had to buy a washing machine, STAT! My lovely old Bosch that was purchased upon arrival in Australia had died. The serviceman had told me I needed a new motor and it was going to cost $600 plus to fix. So, time for a new machine. It was Friday, 3.30 in the afternoon and I went to David Jones in the hope of getting one delivered on Monday. I had a stack of washing that needed doing.

Apart from the only front loading machines being on display being Miele and all over $1500 I found the guy about as useful as a chocolate fireguard. I explained that it was an emergency and that I was rapidly running out of knickers, but he was unmoved. They had loaded the truck for Monday already and delivery could only happen on Wednesday.

So I went to Myer. My first question was, ‘can you deliver Monday?’ “NO, but you could pick it up.’ Bingo!

David Jones 0 Myer 1

This weekend I was looking for fairy lights on a white cord (for a light feature above my bed). I went into DJ’s and they had a white tree with white lights on a white cord. Bingo! But looking through the shelves of lights I could only find green corded lights, so I asked one of the many staff milling around. He looked on the shelf and didn’t find any, so he said he’d ask. He came back and informed me that that tree had been created for the catalogue only and that the lights displayed were not available for sale. False Advertising just took a point away.

So off I went to Myer. They had a small Christmas display and only a few lights out. The rest seemed to still be on brown boxes stacked on the pallet infornt of the shelf holding the lights. When I tried to find someone to ask, I waited and looked for 10 minutes. So I left.

I ended up getting the lights I needed in a shop dedicated to Christmas. The place was like a special kind of hell.

David Jones -1 Myer 1

Let the battle continue.

The Metamorphosis

It’s Sunday evening and I had decided to watch a light entertaining movie. I couldn’t be doing with anything highbrow or to taxing. I was tired and needed to check my brain before going to sleep.

You can imagine my surprise when ‘Flushed Away’, an animation from Aardman animation (those of Wallace and Gromit and Chicken Run) turned into a spot the reference. Apart form being a very good story, with likable rat characters and perfect voice casting I had trouble keeping up with the obvious and much more obscure movie and literary references.

My favourite of all of them though was when Rita is talking about money, in the kitchen, to her father and the oven falls through the floor to reveal a cockroach reading Kafka while smoking a pipe. He looks up and says, ‘you could do with a new oven though.’

A Birthday Boys Adventure

Yesterday it was Todd’s birthday. He was five years off being 39 and his birthday treat was a trip to the theatre. More precisely it was a Darren Hayes concert.

The evening started with drinks in Roof Bar. I gave him his pressie (he loved the two books I had wrapped for him) while we drank champagne with strawberries. Dinner followed after we descended the single floor to Sky Phoenix Chinese restaurant. Rachel and Eve joined us for dinner and we feasted on chicken and sweetcorn soup, Peking duck, prawn sesame toasts, pork dim sims, Singapore style king prawns, Mongolian lamb, shredded beef and mixed veggies. We also polished off a couple of bottles unwooded chardonnay.

With only minutes to spare before the 8pm start we dashed the half block to the State theatre. The support band came on about three minutes after we had sat down. If you want the review, read the next entry, I’m reviewing our night here, not the bands. Anyway, we didn’t really want to see the support band so we all went out into the foyer and had another sparkling tipple or two. Just before Darren was due on, Eve and I convinced Todd that a true groupie/stalking would throw their pants onstage, so a quick trip to the Gents saw Todd pantless, but it fell to Eve and I to write his name and phone number on them with foundation. When the foundation hadn’t dried nearly thirty minutes later, I blotted it with my shirt…god I hope it comes out. Well, he couldn’t scrunch them up and throw them at Darren if they were all smudgy.

The concert was great. Lasers, moveable set and back up singers. The works!

Afterwards I collected a little of the paper that fell from the rafters as part of the finale, then Todd announced he was going backstage. We all looked at him in disbelief as he got up and walked towards the door marked ‘Authorised Personnel Only’, we quickly followed. He walked straight through; we said ‘we’re with him,’ and got through too. That’s where we stopped, but he just kept on going, bold as brass, past the wall of black transport cases before disappearing around the corner and out of sight.

The three of us stood like lemons in the corridor for about ten minutes before Eve said she had to go home and left, leaving Rachel and I standing there. Rachel had a mini breakdown at this point and started crying about how much she missed Todd and didn’t want him to leave etc. I consoled her until a guy asked,’Are you with the party?’

I wasn’t quick enough and said, ‘Nope, we’re waiting for a friend.’ D’oh! I must learn to fib quicker.

Having not heard from Todd after about fifteen minutes, Rachel and I decided to leave too. When we reached the top of the stairs, I looked at my mobile to see that I had missed three calls from Todd. At that point Rachel picked up a call from him saying ‘I’m in his room!’ before the call dropped.

We got back inside to be met by a rather giddy and very excited Todd. ‘I got kicked out!’ he shouted at us, but he was so happy about it. “I was one drink away from serving Darren Hayes!’

Further investigation (when he’d calmed down a bit) revealed that having got to DH room there was about 70 people in the room, but the bar was unmanned. So, being the resourceful old bastard that he is, he played bar tender. He served a lady who didn’t drink Merlot and spent ten minutes talking to Darren’s parents (his dad took two beers). He got rumbled just as Darren was about to be served.

When I asked why Darren was queuing for a drink at his own concert Todd replied,
‘Well, he’s not Madonna is he.’

Mr. Happy

Happy Birthday Mate!

I won't tell anyone you're dirty thirty six today.

Weekend Festivities

So I fitted most of what was on into one weekend. I did however, miss out on Supanova ‘cause I was too knackered form the day before. I stayed home and relaxed on Sunday with a little telly and some uni homework.

How many bands are too many to see in one day? This is the question I asked myself on Friday night when planning out my Saturday. I was off the Price Alfred Park and the Surry Hills Festival to see Watussi and bLuejuice before wandering up the road to the Hopetoun Hotel for the Slip into the Sun Festival. In total I had ten bands to see, eight of them I had never seen before.

Watussi played Jamaican influenced jazz that fitted perfectly with the sun, beer and outdoor style of the gig. I can imagine that at an indoor gig it would get annoying really quickly, but outdoors it was just chillin’ man.

bLuejuice came out to a very appreciative crowd wearing their trademark checked shirts, jeans and t-shirts and other random accessory. This time it was a leather face mask. They rocked the marquee and had a little help from a drunken audience member how insisted on getting onstage on three occasions. Finally, she was escorted from the premises just as the boys were finishing their sixty minute set.

After a quick walk up the road I arrived at a very quiet Hopetoun Hotel. There was the door Punk with attitude, the bar staff and a couple of others watching the first band of the day. It was broad daylight outside, being only four fifteen in the afternoon, and natural flooded the bar. It was actually quite pretty.

Dead Farmers was a three piece local band that played a classic Aussie rock set, loads of drum sounds and overbearing guitar. I can’t say I remember any lyrics, but that was because I couldn’t really hear the vocals.

Hand Me my Jet Pack the second three piece of the day. They had an odd mic set up. Rather than facing out to the audience they faced into toward each other, it gave the impression they were singing to each other and left little room for engagement with the audience. The drummer had impeccable comic timing, but that was ruined by the bands reliance of feedback, guitar shaking and tap tap of strings. Shame really because I would have liked to have heard ‘Our Cars Run on Maths’.

The Sky Falling was under prepared for their slot as three out of eight. The lead singer /guitar player had issues with both his six string and twelve string being out of tune as well as his singing. He was terrible. They didn’t even look like they played together. A mixture of jeans and t-shirts was highlighted by the good-looking guy dressed in head to toe ivory cotton wear (could have been hemp) with wooden beads around his neck. He looked like he was off to the ashram straight after the gig. Afterwards the lead singer said to me, ‘we’re normally better than that’, Punk with Attitude said, ‘No, they’re not.’

Skull Squadron looked the part and sounded better than any of the proceeding three. All three members were dressed in black, good, they looked they were together. They liked instrumental sections and there were plenty, heaps of waha’s and lots of kneeling resulting in pedal fiddling. Their songs all blended into one, but that may have been clever segues or just that they all sounded the same.

I didn’t like Sound like Sunset at all…it’s forty-five minutes of my life that I will never get back. All I could hear were the drums. I felt like Quasimodo and that’s never a good feeling to instil in your audience.

The place had filled up a bit.

Richard in Your Mind came on about 9pm. I had been watching bands since just after one. But this was a band I actually wanted to see. I’d seen back in June when I first saw bLuejuice and I wanted to see if they had changed. They had, they were even better than I remembered. With mixture of bird song, folky electro-pop and Indian soul they worked their way through their set. A strobe light lite up Richards Buddy Holy glasses very well and it was at that point that I realised every member of the band was wearing similar glasses. They were good.

Up next was Holy Soul. The lead singer was geeky looking but somehow it worked with the Pink Floyd crossed with Squeeze psychedelic sound. I’d had enough by this point and had stopped taking notes. I had decided to go with the flow and enjoy myself and the last two bands of the evening. The Punk with Attitude was having a time of it too, he’d been up since Friday morning and was hanging out til midnight for a couple of cans of Redbull before heading off to his second job, DJing at a club on Oxford Street.

The final band of the evening was Red Sun Band. They were good.

(844 words)

Whether the Weather Shines

I often get asked why I moved to Aussie from the UK. I have two responses; for family reason and the weather sucks in the UK.

Yesterday and last night was a great example of the great weather they have down under. I got a new washing machine yesterday (old one broke, derr!;-)) and I had heaps of washing to do. Normally, wet knickers and t-shirt go in the tumble dryer, and cotton and linen shirts go on a rack to dry (tumble dryer shrinks them). Yesterday each wash load went on the line and was dry by the time the next wash load had finished, ninety minutes later. But the best, was the final wash of the evening, it came out at 11.54pm and I put it on the line.

This morning when I went out at just after eight, it was all dry.

Ahh…bring on Summer!

Evil Genius

Imagine if you will that you are an evil genius. You know someone witnessed you murder a good guy and you also know that all attempts to silence that witness (kill) have failed. You also know that said witness is on his way to testify against you and they are travelling by plane. You still need to silence the witness, do you;

A. Wait ‘til he reaches the other side of his journey and have a snipper waiting outside the airport.
B. When he reaches his hotel (that the FBI is putting him up in) send in a small Russian assassin, posing as a waitress and a natty little knife in her shoe
C. Fill a box with deadly snakes, spray them with pheromones that make them super aggressive, set a timer to release the snakes mid flight and just hope that your snakes get to the witness before the bad-ass FBI agent gets really pissed off.

As you probably guessed I’m talking about the fabulously imaginatively named Snakes on a Plane, starring Samual L. Jackson.

I saw it last night while doing the ironing and what a heap of poo. It’s so bad it’s good. A B-movie with a big budget and big star. Go see it even if only for the gratuitous nudity, shameless biting of cocks and the pompous English businessman being consumed whole by the randomly placed boa.
See it, have a laugh, don’t take it seriously and most importantly remember to have a pre-set on your microwave for snake cooking.

4 taipans out of a possible 5

Great Line

Hank : How come I don't know your name?
Girl : You just have to ask.
Hank : Well, let's not stand on ceremony.
Girl : Trixy
Hank : That is a terrific name. If you're a hooker!

A little bit of Politics

In the new again today is a story about Prime Minister John Howard not saying sorry for the actions of people in the past.

The actions of white people in the past have been terrible, but neither he, nor I nor you were around in the seventeen and eighteen hundreds when these things started happening. Even things that happened in the twentieth century where not ordered by him.

My personal feeling is that if he was to apologies, it would mean nothing. If he was apologising for his actions I could understand the calls from indigenous leaders for an apology, but for him to apologies for the action of others, in the past, is like asking George Bush to say sorry to the American Indians for all the atrocious they suffered. It doesn’t make sense and it’s never going to happen.

It has been acknowledged that the Aborigines and Torres Strait Islanders were the original inhabitants of this wide brown land. It has also been acknowledged that they have been treated badly. Please accept those acknowledgements by way of an apology. Surely this is better than a meaningless apology?

I have conducted a small, informal survey around the office and 8 out of 11 people think a sorry would be meaningless.

Salty Williams

When Edna came to Australia just over eighteen months ago she had to leave behind her beloved Salty Williams. She has been back to the UK to see him twice during her time here. Yesterday Salty passed away. He was just two and half.

May he Rest in Peace in the giant field of carrots and baby corn that all good bunnies go to.

Rattle My Chain

In line with everyone who loves The Basics. Volvo has decided to use one of their tunes in an ad campaign. Congratulations lads!

Weekend Plans

As of this morning I had no real plans for this coming weekend. Maybe a drink with Sally on Friday night, maybe not. Maybe a walk in centennial park with David (my camera), may be not. The weekend was my wandering oyster.

This afternoon I took a look through Drum Media and The Brag, both free sheets and both about the music and things to do about Sydney.

Now the list of stuff I want to do looks like this;

Friday Night – Ghostwood with supports at the Hopetoun (I could still do this with Sally)
Saturday – Surry Hills Festival (actually an all day event 9am – 6pm, with live music including the Falls and bLuejuice, food, stalls and the normal festival to-do)
Saturday – Slip into the Sun Festival at the Hopetoun (3pm til late), live music all day from the likes of Richard on my Mind, Hand me my Jetpack and The Dead Farmer amongst many others.
Sunday – Supanova 2007 out at Homebush, it’s a comic book convention and Nicolas Brandon from Buffy will be there. Always fancied going and checking out a nerd comicbook/sci-fi convertion ... sorry a pop culture expo. (timetable)

What to do, What to do!

A&E

As I was preparing to do a little uni work last night in the peace and quite of a deserted office, Kathleen rushed in with tears in her eyes and squeaked out ‘I’m bleeding badly’. She’s seventeen weeks pregnant.

So I bundled her into a taxi and upon arrival at the A&E department of the Prince of Wales hospital in Randwick she checked in we sat down to wait. After about twenty minutes she was seen by a Triage Nurse and asked for a urine sample and had a finger prick test. Then we waited again. Kathleen’s mum turned up but was being a tad negative so I decided to stay until she was called in by the doctor. I was being my usual cheerful self, telling amusing stories and trying to take her mind of the fact she was in hospital.

But we couldn’t help comment on the fact that she was pregnant and fearful for her baby’s life. And despite it all turning out well (she’s got a small infection, not baby related) we couldn’t help comparing the situation to Jana Horska who miscarried her baby in the waiting room toilet of A&E at the Royal North Shore Hospital in late September. There is now an enquiry into waiting times for pregnant women and a list as long as my arm of women who have come forward with similar stories from the last few years.

Surely with all this happening it’s unwise to let the doctor see a drug addict after only forty-five minutes and leave the mother-to-be to wait for three hours?

Five Observations

They are a few people on the bus that don’t give a damn about old people having to stand while the fresh young thing sits in his seat with the ‘doff doff’ of his iPod annoying everyone.

There are some really wide girls out there who make some really bad fashion decisions.

The South African guy who works in my office is an aggressive arsehole who steals the work supplied newspapers everyday.

There was policeman at the bottom Forvaux Street at lunchtime with a speed camera hiding behind an unmarked car. For those that don’t know, Forvaux is the steepest hills around that even the fittest person avoids having to walk up and cars can’t helping speeding just a little on the way down. Hands Up anyone who thinks City of Sydnay is down in revenue this month.

This has been really long week and I’m glad hump day is more than half way over.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Hinder with Small Mercies
Luna Park Big Top
4th October

In June I booked my tickets to see Hinder on my birthday. The fourth's my birthday you see, and I wanted to see a band that I liked on the day I officially became middle aged. So I thought a US rock band with a passion for foul language and a rather nice song about an affair was the way to go.

I arrived at Luna Park just after 7.30 with my mates, Small Mercies had just started playing. After I’d had my mints throw away by security (no food allowed, since when did mints make a meal?) and a bright orange band confirming that I was over 18 secured around my wrist I was allowed to go and watch and listen to the music.

Small Mercies, a band from Brisbane are travelling around Australia and making quite a name for themselves. With a deep guitar sound and a lead singer that can sing rather than relying on shouting, they had the audience captivated. They sang about being ‘Innocent’ and looked anything but. There was the guitarist in a black t-shirt and bleached hair tips, the drummer with longish hair dressed in jeans with a black t-shirt and the singer was of course, wearing khaki. The crowd loved them and I thought for one minute that they may even come back for a second go, but that just isn't done by the support. Shame really.

After a short break and quick change of instruments, the lights faded, everyone cheered, then the lights came back up again. Everyone booed! The house technicians having worked out how to use the lights, turned them down again and Hinder appeared on stage.

Something I have been noticing about gigs is the diversity in the audience. There are old girls, old boys with biker beards, young fellas wearing jeans showing a bit of butt crack and girls with blonde streaks dressed in more bling than Mr T. With a band like Hinder I would have expected black shirts and jeans, maybe the odd girlie on account of their flame burning Lips of an Angel hit. But this crowd was a diverse as it could get.

Lead singer Austin Winkler was wearing jeans and a waist coat with a beige scarf, his hair was hanging over his face and as he screamed ‘Hello Sydney’ he did a little jump and upsided the mic stand. Very Rock’n’roll. Through out the set he looked like he didn’t know what to do with his arms. He would put them up in the air, down by his sides and do the little teapot. He looked just like sixties Mick Jagger.

The guitarists Joe ‘Blower’ Garvey and Mark King and bassist Mike Rodden moved around the stage freely dancing with the crowd and Austin. The drummer, Cody Hanson, was of course, hidden at the back. They worked their way through their album starting with ‘How Long’, ‘Better than Me’ and ‘Homecoming Queen’ before playing a slower, acoustic new song. It sounded ok, but the sound in the Big Top, may be suited to dance parties a little better than rock gigs, I hardly heard a single spoken word unless it was shouted/and or a swear word.

You could clearly see the Aerosmith and The Rolling Stones influences in their performance, but that at no point diminished the overall effect. They had the audience in the palms of their hands for the duration. They threw the odd momento into the waving arms and played the whole of the Extreme Behaviour’ album. They saved ‘Get Stoned’ and ‘Lips of an Angel’ for the encore and closed on an up note. The audience called for a second encore, only to be disappointed. No doubt the band had already started celebrating Mark’s birthday backstage. Beers all-round!

Not so Happy Joy Joy

On Friday night, Edna and I went to the State Theatre to see Dead Man Walking. An opera based on the book by Sister Helen Prejean that has also been a movie with Susan Sarandon and Sean Penn.

After trying to get rid of the spare tickets we had (two people committed to go but then pulled out without reimbursing Edna), we made our way into the theatre and managed to get ourselves seats in the front row of the dress circle. Sweet.

The opening scene was two youngsters canoodling on the stage in the buff, then being raped and murdered. It was harrowing, but then I suppose that’s was the point. The opera is about a murderer on death row and the nun that becomes attached to him and the parents of his victims. It ended as it started with the death, by lethal injection, of Joseph De Rocher, the murderer.

The whole thing was very well done, with the stage having three floors and the orchestra sitting on the floors in blue prison jump suits. There were film flashes of real events and real pictures. Edna was particularly impressed when Teddy Tahu Rhodes (Joseph De Rocher) managed twenty press-ups while singing. I was impressed by his abs.

Anyway, the whole was very good, but made for a less than happy joy joy evening. I went home a cried.

ARIA Awards

I know this is old news now (in some circles) but i have decided it needs to be shared with those hiding under rocks.

Gotye has been nominated for five, yes five Aria Awards!

Best Male Artist
Best Independent Release
Best Dance Release
Album of the Year
Best Album Artwork

Go Wally!

On Religion

I was sent an article the other day by author, scientist and all round deep thinker, Richard Dawkins. You may think you know the name and you probably do. He wrote The God Delusion, The Selfish Gene and contributed to Everything you know about God is Wrong. He is known for his outspokenness about God and religion.

Needless to say, the article ‘Logical Path from Religious Beliefs to Evil Deeds’ sent a hum through my heart (anyone who know me, know my thoughts on this subject) and I thought I would share it with you all. I also read a couple other related articles and some of the comments (there are 700 odd).

I know people have their faiths and I respect that. I also respect people who choose to smoke. I also respect people who choose to drive fast. I have respect for most people who live and breathe on this planet. I just ask one thing;

Please don’t expect me to do and believe what you do, just because you think it’s the only way to live a ‘good’ life.

Global Warming

People bang on about global warming on blogs, in the news and polite conversation.

I’m just going to say that it’s spring, it’s my birthday tomorrow and as someone who would have always been wearing a coat at this time of the year in the UK I love the fact that’s it 34degrees outside today. 15degrees above the average for this time of year.

Just one thing though…can we lose the gale force wind please, it’s playing havoc with my hair.

Maybe it's that time of the month?

I got a phone call from Todd last night, after the watershed. He asked if I was sitting down, I was, he told me to close my eyes, I did, then he said this;

'Your mind holds on to your past, your heart seizes the present. The two must unite to forge your future.'

The clever little sod came up with it all on his lonesome.

Naming Rights

How cruel do you have to be to name your kid Wilma when your surname is Shakespear?

Netball - Step to Success

Still Growing

I'm alone in the office today so I am taking the chance to catch up on some time-wasting things. You may be interested to know the Rubber Band ball has grown since you last saw it in August from 5.8cm to 6.2cm.

Spring Cleaning

Now that Spring is upon us and I’m trying to fit the contents of a three bedroom house and two bedroom apartment into a ‘cosy’ two bed cottage I feel I need to start throwing stuff out. Hubby has been forced to relocate and it appears most of the stuff we had is, in fact mine, as evidenced by the eight boxes now blocking my way to the fridge.

I liked having an A3 laminator when we had a huge shop to store it in, but do I really need it now it’s just me?

Do I really need two woks?

If there was a help group called Hoarders Anonymous I would standing at the front saying ‘My name is Jodie and I’m a hoarder, please help me.’ I don’t know where to start and I hate throwing stuff out. Always have done, always will do.

Junk Mail

Now, you just know these guys get more than their fair share.

Monday Decadence

After a day off from drinking ridiculously expensive, but delicious, wine Todd and I got together again for a whole day of decadence. We started at 11.15 at Manly Ferry wharf with fruit juice at Circular Quays City Extra Café before boarding the ferry with 600 plus other day trippers.

After battling our way thought the throng of people getting of the ferry and instantly ordering Thai take-away in the terminal (don’t ask;-) we made our way across the street to Copenhagen Ice Cream. This was the start of the Ice Cream Challenge. The challenge is to buy a two scoop cone and eat it all by the time you get to the beach at the other end of the Corso. Of course I forgot Todd could suck start a jet engine and his ice cream and cone was completely gone just halfway into the walk. Meanwhile I enjoyed my double scoop of Maple Macadamia and Boysenberry Ripple.

- Todd adds nuts to his Ice Cream, he couldn't enjoy it if it didn't have nuts

At the beach we found a nice spot in the shade to lay out our towel. After Todd’s little accident on Sunday, his hip and thigh were feeling a little tender so we didn’t want to push things. In case you’re wondering, he came off his mountain bike while riding a 38km trial and landed on rocks, causing one of those bruises that you know is there, but you can’t see it yet. I just know in three of four days his arse will be yellow!

Anyway we sat and people watched. Trust me with it being a beautiful Spring day (29degree and not a cloud in the sky) and a Public Holiday there was plenty to watch. The old guy with skin like leather and white chest hair, the lady on the larger side of size 22 wearing a bikini and the family that descended on us and proceeded to set up a fold out table complete with table cloth, three eskies of food (including salt and pepper pots) and socks with sandals.

At three we decided to move onto the food portion of the day. We had booked a table at Ribs and Rumps and they had given us a seat by the window. More talent spotting took place while we ordered and ate, then we talked about things important to us. Okay, we talked a lot of old crap too, but the whole day was about relaxing, having fun and enjoying the food on offer. At six we had to move on again ‘cause the evening diners where due, so we walked back to the wharf got a McDonalds soft drink and sat on the pier while we waited for the ferry to arrive.

- Manly Promenade taken on a thrity second exposure.

We rounded the evening off by going to see a friend of mine perform at the Lansdowne. Wyatt was great, funny and impressive to watch as he played his guitar. The whole set was covers of songs by women from a woman perspective. He started with Carol Kings ‘Natural Woman’ and went on to sing about period pains, abuse and he even did a rather cute, sweet version of ‘Milkshake’ by Kelis.

- Wyatt tells us 'You're All Out of Love'

I went home and slept, knowing that I could not have possibly had a more fulfilling and enjoyable weekend despite less than twenty four hours later not being able to remember more than a couple of snippets of what Todd and I talked about, but that’s not the point to a great weekend is it?

1988

On Saturday evening Todd and I opened a rather spectacular bottle of wine. Bottled in 1988 the Grange Hermitage we drank was so smooth it went down well. A deep purple red with the flavours of berries and bush fire smoke. Was 1988 a bush fire year in South Australia? It was divine.

We consumed it with mature cheddar and reminisced about the year it was bottled.

We were both still at school although nearing the end.
It was leap year
Perestroika began in the Soviet Union
Wimbledon won the FA Cup Final
George Bush Senior became the US president
Pan Am Flight 103 was blown up over Lockerbie by Libyans
Madonna was working on her Like a Prayer album to be release in 1989
A-ha released their third album Stay on these Roads
And Dangerous Liaisions, The Accused, The Dead Pool, Kansas and She's Having a Baby were at the movies

Love this Song