The Thousand Word Picture

Outing

Muv, Her Hubby and an Old friend and I went out for lunch today (she tested Mother/Daughter bond by nicking my last piece of Scampi) followed by a spot of shopping. Muv was keen to get out and about, but after three hours she was knackered and ready for home.

When we finally got there she was ready for a sleep and it was time for me to leave.

I told her I love her and asked her not to do anything stoopid while I was gone.

She told me to live my life doing the things I want to do, then told me to leave because she was getting upset.

I kissed her, said goodbye to my Gran (who ignored me) and drove away.

I had the first tears to Kate Bush.

First Cry

This Woman's Work by Kate Bush

Pray God you can cope
I stand outside
This woman's work
This woman's world
Oooh, it's hard on the man
Now his part is over
Now starts the craft of the father
(chorus)
I know you have a little life in you yet
I know you have a lot of strength left
(repeat 1X)(hook)
I should be crying
But I just can't let it show
I should be hoping
But I can't stop thinking
All the things I should've said
That I never said
All the things we should of done
That we never did
All the things I should've given
But I didn't
Oh darling make it go
Make it go away
Give me these moments back
Give them back to me
Give that little kiss
Give me your hand
(chorus)(hook)

Forest Drive

A bright sunny day saw me in my new little car (more about that tomorrow) through the New Forest following an ambulance. In the back of the ambulance was my Mum on an outting home for a couple of days.

Once there, she sent my Nan and her Hubby out for BigMac, fries and vanilla milkshakes. I finished the pedicure I started yesterday and painted her toenails.

When I left at seven she was in good spirits, but that may have the knowledge that a bottle of Bombay Sapphire, tonic and a lemon were sitting on the side in the kitchen should the mood take her.

Pedicure

This morning my Mum was perky again. She was up and bathing at 11, ordering lunch and sitting in the arm chair looking out the window by noon. It's the first time she's been out of bed (apart from loo trips) since I arrived Thursday. After her bath I gave her a pedicure and foot massage. She asked me to buy her some nail varish so I can paint her toes tomorrow.

The Doc was very pleased and announced she would surprise us all, but when asked by my Mum if she could have more Chemo, he replied, 'there's no point in that if it's going to kill you.' He also mentioned to her that I was worried about leaving her to go to America despite her saying it was Ok. He response, 'she's got to go.' So despite my gran never speaking to me again, I'm going to go to the States as planned and send her pictures as she has requested.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done, because when I leave that hospice on Tuesday, it may be the last time I ever see my Mum.

She took a slight down turn after lunch and had to get back into bed for a kip.

I'd spent some time in the hospice garden early in the morning (I was up again at 6.30) and took a couple of photos with my phone.

[1. the back of the hospice where all rooms have double doors opening out onto the garden. 2. the bird feeding area and fish pond]

Update 2157 22/6/08 : Just spoke to the hospice, after a kip after lunch she was the brightest the hospice nurses had seen her. She went to sleep around 9pm.

Sleep and Drugs

My mum didn't wake up until about 2pm today. She sugested that the new drugs were making her sleepy. The Doc informed me that she was on exactly the same dose as before, just in a different form. Then he told me what was making her sleepy.

When you breath out you produce Carbon Dioxide, I'm sure you know this, he says.

When you breath as shallowly as your Mum is breathing you keep some, too much, of that carbon dioxide in and it makes you drowsy. He waits for me to respond. I nod and making a hmmming sound.

Eventually her breathing will be so shallow that more carbon dioxide will stay in than comes out and she will slip into a coma. Again I nod and hmmm

If she continues as she is today, it's my belief that she may not be here when you get back from America.

18,500

I posted off my final Masters paper yesterday. It's called 'Hidden Kinks' and is 18,500 words long. This means I have completed my Masters.

There with be a graduation ceremony in October and I'm pretty sure I've passed, so I may get to go.

Woh Who! ;-)

Sunshine

The sun has just come out. It's the longest day here in the UK. While sitting in the family room of the hospice I have been lucky enough to see magpies, pheasants (male and female) a woodpecker, a rabbit, a squirrel and blackbirds. It's a lovely peaceful place to spend your final days.

I told Muv the other day I was going to cancel my trip to America next week. She told me she'd be angry with me if I did. She wants photos and tales of adventure when I get back because we were supposed to be Thelma and Louiseing in August and now she won't get the chance.

It's 11.30am and she's still asleep.

TUESDAY 17th June – part one

Woke up refreshed again, but I really needed to sort out the bed. It was so hard. After Breakfast I took off to another palace, Deoksugung. It looked the same as the one on Monday but I noticed that it was open until 9pm so I decided to come back and see it night. It might look different.

So I set off to a tea house. Walking.

I didn’t get lost as the road was fairly simple and clearly marked on the map. I walked along a pretty manicured lane with resting places and I even saw a traditional changing of the guard. I found the spot where the tea house was supposed to be, but the teahouse had closed and was now a coffee shop. Not the same thing at all. It was 29degrees and trying to rain. I wanted Tea!
[changing of guard]

I decided to walk some more. I carried on the same road, then hung a left at the end. I’d figured out I was actually quite close to the hotel and could walk back. A brief stop in the Agriculture Museum reminded me of school trips and how lucky I am not to be a farmer.

Walking let me think, but it also let me take in the mad cap stuff that motorcycle couriers put on the back of their bike here.
[mc eggs]

I sat for a while, it was only noon. What to do for the rest of the day?

I jumped in a cab, pointed at the picture on the map and said ‘Here, please.’
I had a cabbie that could speak broken English. It was the first real conversation I’d had for three days. He pointed at things and said the name; I repeated until I got it right then he would say, ‘very good, now you speak Korean’. As soon as I got out of the taxi at the bottom of the hill, I’d forgotten it all.

Seoul Tower is on top of a very high hill that taxis aren’t allowed up. I was looking at a two kilometre up a hill that I swear was 45degrees. Luckily after about 30 yards, a bus pulled up and for a paltry 800 won I took me to the top.

Standing 236 metres it’s the main telly and radio antenna for Seoul, and like Centrepoint in Sydney, you can jump in a lift and visit the viewing platform. Unlike Sydney it doesn’t cost and arm and a leg (A$26.00). It was just 12,000 won, about A$10. I saw loads of stuff from there, have a drink and rice ball and even got to send a postcard or two.
[1. Seoul Tower. 2. the Seoul suburbs ]

After that I went downstairs to ready myself for the walk down the hill. But there was a Traditional Warcraft display about to start. The men were there in their traditional costume that kind of reminded me of the Wicked Witch of the West’s guards from the Wizard of Oz. It was lovely. They also had all sorts of weapons, very Wizard of Oz, especially the tridents.

I sat down on the steps and waited. While I did I took a few group shots for groups that were there. One family (from China, it turned out) took a shine to me and each member of the family had their photo taken with me. I could hear them telling the family holiday stories, ‘and this is the white woman who took our picture, with mum…with dad…with son…with daughter…with grandma (yes also got in on the action)…with other daughter and with third daughter.’ As a thank you they gave me a banana and a drink. It would have been impolite to refuse.

TUESDAY 17th June – part two

The display started. It was awesome!
[1. Marching into the arena. 2. Knife things. 3. Swordman. 4. Tridents. 5. Swordman in action]

I walked down the hill, on the way buying myself a ice-cream. a sweetcorn ice-cream, it was surprisingly very nice It was hard work and by the time I got to the bottom I had loads of pictures of flowers and my hip hurt a lot. Downhill is always the worst.
[flower with bumble bee]

Another taxi and more pointing at the map. I went to the Markets. I wanted to get some tea, tourist crap (t-shirts etc) and I needed another bag. I ate from vendors while there, donuts, fruit and dumplings, but I couldn’t find Boisintang, also known as dog-meat soup. It was my mission, but it was not to be. Disappointed I left the markets.

A brief stop at the hotel to change, and then I was out again. It was nearing dinner time and I planned to walk back to the palace from earlier after eating. I had Bulgogi. It was Ok, but not what I had my heart set on, plus the waiter was odd. As soon as I’d picked up the menu he hovered. I asked for time, but the language got in the way and he stayed put, so I ordered something I knew.

[bulgogi dinner with all the side bits]

The palace was just across the street, so come dusk I was in there. 1000 won gets you entry, so I had no trouble paying for a second time in one day.
[1. palace entrance by night. 2. Eaves detail. 3. Door detail. 4. Decortive pot.]

Back at the hotel, I packed my bags ready for the morning bus back to the airport, knowing I had excess baggage.

Frailty

I spent the day with my Mum yesterday. She was in good spirits considering on Tuesday the reality of her situation hit her. The worst part for me is how old and frail she looks conpared to just one month ago when I saw her. She has little to no muscle left and can barely walk, she spend most of her time asleep in bed. They have stopped all treaments except morphine.

I'm off the America in a week for 13 days. The nurses have suggested it might be good to make my Mum understand that I'll be OK without her. Yesterday when I arrived she (my Mum) asked me how much I knew.

'Pretty much everything now.' I replied

'So you know I'm going to pop my clogs then?'

'Yes, Muv.'

Then she told me she was worried about me. At this point my Sister and my MumsHusband left the room. We had a chance to chat,briefly. It was later when I discussed the lenght of time left with nurses that I suggested cancelling my trip. They suggested it might be good to take it.

So this week, I'm staying at the Hospice on the edge of the New Forest in Hampshire to spend quality time with her. She sleeps a lots and seems surprised to see me everytime she wakes up.

Monday 16th June - Fish Outta Water

I woke on Monday feeling a bit stiff from the hard bed, but pretty refreshed. I wandered down to brekkie and perused the Lonely Planet guide to Seoul. I decided to take in a Palace. My choice was Changgyeonggung and Jongno. They are right next to each other on the map! Then I wanted to go to a traditional Korean Embroidery Gallery. Armed with two little cards that hotel receptionist had written for me in Korean I jumped in a cab.

[there are loads of pictures of the palace, so I thought a few detail might be nice]

The Palace was amazing, built in 16something, then burned down then rebuilt. It was made op of about ten buildings and manicured lawns and gardens. There wasn’t much wildlife to be seem, but then the Palace in the middle of the city. I did see many Black Magpies, which when seen means you should expect the arrival of a welcomed visitor, and a chipmunk.

That I had not expected to see.

[how cute is this?]

[a butterfly, just becasue I was chuffed it actually came out]

[The abandoned gardening gloves. I just liked this image]

After I had wandered around the palace and gardens for over two hours I moved on, I didn’t get to see Jongno. But I did get lost in a taxi. Yes, Korean cab drivers don’t know were they’re going either. Despite being given the card with the name of the gallery and an address, he dropped me in a back alley next to a gallery of Acrylic paintings, nice, but not what I was after. He had, however dropped me in nirvana. Now this I can believe in. He had dropped me in the heart of (i need to find name of the region...give me a week:-), the artists and handcrafts district. For the next three hours I walked along little streets, looking at paintings, fans, linens, jewellery, ceramics and sculptures. I did spend some money, I confess. But nearly as much as I could have.

The way you buy fabric on bolts here they sell paper like that, beautiful, handmade papers in every colour under the sun. And the brushes, let’s not get started on the brushes, that are made from weasel, fox or goat hair and sometimes have bamboo handles but can also boosts ceramic, turned wood and metals.

[this old shop keepers was very helpful to this mad white bird in awe of his wears]

I attempted to walk back to the hotel, but got a bit confused. I was over ten kilometres away. The policeman I asked for direction just said, ‘that way’ and pointed. The next person I asked, did the same and laughed. I was thirsty and hungry because I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, it was four o’clock’, and I popped into somewhere that served food and asked for a drink. The little old lady looked at me as I pointed at the chillier cabinet and passed me what I asked for, a green 500ml bottle, and took 3000won from me. Not bad, three bucks. She tried to put it in a bag, I waved that I didn’t need one. I stepped back outside into to sunlight and ripped the top off. I took a huge gulp before inhaling and swallowing. It burned. I had purchased wine, commonly drank rice wine. At the next kiosk I got a bottle of iced tea. Did you know you can make tea from corn?

I waved down a cab. I showed him the Hotel card and asked, ‘can you take me here?’ He nodded and drove. I closed my eyes because the traffic was hotting up and I wasn’t feeling brave enough to watch.

I dumped of my purchases, wrote some postcards and set of to hunt for dinner. I could have cheated and gone to the Outback Steakhouse next door, or the McDonalds round the corner, even the KFC or Burger King, all where within easy walking distance. But no, I was on a mission. I wanted to try Bosingtang, aka dog meat soup. I walked, and walked some more. I looked at the menu pictures in the windows and even asked for it. It was not to be. I settled for something else I hadn’t had before. I don’t know what it’s called; I just pointed at the menu, shook my head and said, ‘no spicy?’
[my dinner as it appeared and as it appeared on the rather useful pictorial menu]

A head shake from the host confirmed it wasn’t, he was lying or confused by my question.

I find that despite this being a massively densely populated city that everyone is very polite. Even to dumbass white tourists like me. In one on the craft shops I was in a German family came in with three children, all drumming loudly on traditional drums. The shop girls bowed and said welcome with sincerity in their eyes. Even the road crossings talk to you; it could be saying, ‘wait ‘til I say you can go bozo.’ But I doubt it highly. I ventured into clothing and shoe stores on occasion to be told with a wave, ‘sorry, no size,’ with a smile. No ‘We don’t serve fat people here’ as I once experience in a high fashion shop on London.

It’s also really clean. The sand at the palace was combed and in spite of huge amounts of people, I saw no litter. I was looking. This is not a country with a issue in keeping itself clean, unlike India.

Sleep came easily about ten, after I watched ‘Let’s Go to Prison’ dubbed into Korean, I’ve seen it before and knew the plot.

Sunday 15th June - Day of Travel

After a fairly standard trip of ten hours on a plane I arrived in Seoul. Actually come to think about it now, it wasn’t really all that standard. My lift to the airport got a flat tyre that thankfully survived with just a pumping up with air rather than the full changing experience. Then the promise of cheap upgrade didn’t happen but I did get to sit in the window seat on the emergency exit, giving me heaps of leg room and a leaning spot, also the power to scream ‘we’re all gonna die’ in case of emergency. This was all slightly marred by the two gentlemen seating in the seats to my right reading ‘The Fourfold Gospel’ and ‘Greatest Sermons of the World’. I managed to avoid talking to them mostly, but when Pastor John, yes a pastor from outback NSW, tried to convince being faithless was the road to damnation I told him I did have faith, just not in the same thing/person he did. I was remarkable polite considering my general feelings about all things God related.

Upon arriving at the hotel (90 minutes and 160,000 Korean Won later) and checking in I popped out for supplies. Being in a suite, I had an empty fridge and a washing machine. Time for a spot of washing as I hadn’t left all my dirty washing to fester in the laundry bin for 6 months plus.
[Supplies W6500, Trip to get them $many, picture of prawn chips and cans of drink, priceless]

A shower later, I passed out on the bed.

PS. There approx. 900 Korean Won to the A$

Touch Down

I landed on Pommie soil yesterday (Wednesday) at 1710. It's now 0708 (Thursday) and I'm awake and feeling a bit sleep deprived but wide awake. I'll tell you all about my couple of days in Seoul soon, with pictures, I promise.

Volvo Meets the Basics

I finally got to see the Volvo advert that has the Basics 'Rattle my Chain' as the backing track tonight. It's a classic car advert, but the music ROCKS!

Most excellent!

The Order of Things

I’ve just got back for nearly two weeks in the UK to visit my Mum. It’s really not looking good for her. She has the big C in her clavicle and pelvic bone, her lungs and throat. She was in pretty good spirits, considering.

I’m not sure how I’m feeling about it all. At the moment I feel like this is the way things are supposed to be. Children loose their parents. Parents shouldn’t have to loose their children.

Two years ago, my sister lost her son to a disorder that had been around since birth. He was just 18. She’s still dealing with it, some days are better than others. Now my Grandmother looks set to loose her daughter, my mother. It’s not supposed to happen like that. Parents are NOT suppose to have to see their children die, regardless of whether they a 5, 18 or 55. It’s just not the way things are suppose to go.

Last weekend, my mum and I went for a drive in the New Forest. We saw the ponies, the cows and grey clouds in the sky. We chatted as much as possible due to her voice being weak. I pushed her around in a wheelchair, took her in a witchy poo shop in Burley and sat her on a lay line for twenty minutes. Afterwards she ate more in one sitting than in the previous three months, tomato soup, a warm crusty baguette and half my cream scone. A few years ago I would have stabbed her with a folk for nicking half my scone, but that day I watched with joy and she consumed it in four hungry mouthfuls.

But afterwards, she was drained of all energy and I realised as I boarded the plane back to Aussie that that may be the last time I see her experience a cream scone. It may be the last time I see her face light up as we follow a pony running along the forest roads, the last time I see her, period.

I’ll be going back to the UK in about 6 weeks for an indefinite amount of time, hopefully she’s still kicking and we get to share a few more random moments.

Update

Ta Dah!

I’m back briefly, mainly to give you an update of what’s going on with my Mum.

When I last wrote, I said she’d started treatment. That turned out to be a lie. The Spanish hospital was hopeless, as were my family at passing on Information. The only thing they got right was the cancer thing.

Two weeks ago my Mum cracked the sh*ts with the Spanish hospital and went back to the UK. It would seem that the language barrier was the main cause for here receiving woeful treatment. So now, she’s under an English doctor in and English hospital (oh err!)

When I spoke with her Doctor on Friday last, he informed me that she was doing well and they were hopeful that they could arrest the cancers (yes multiple, lungs, throat, pelvic bone). When I asked if my planned trip for end of June would be soon enough he said it should be ok, but thing can change.

Last night they did. She was rushed to hospital (she’d been staying with my Nan) to have an operation to open her airway, because she couldn’t breath.

So, I’m off to ole Blighty this weekend. I’ll keep you posted if you are all interested.

Apart from that, the new house is OK, I’m coping with the commute (despite a feral train trip) and Puss has settled in. Thanks for asking.

My Mum

It's confirmed, my mum has lung and throat cancer, chemo has started, so fingers crossed she'll get through this one like she has the others.

Bit*h about everything!

I’m going to have a bitch. It’s my blog and need to get a few things of my chest. I know I’ve been being this a lot lately but seeing as my best friend saw fit to the crack the shits with me back in November because I had the nerve to say she seemed to have found new and more interesting friends I need somewhere to do it. And thinking about it, maybe things wouldn’t have got so bad if that hadn’t have happened. Anyway. She has rarely spoken to me since, I’ve gotta move on as clearly she’s not interested in letting bygones be bygones despite my efforts to make contact. (and yes...I know this has just sealed the fate of our relationship, but I’m too tired and upset by it all to try anymore).

My Mum is currently in hospital in Spain, having just had several lumps removed from chest and lungs. The lumps have been sent for biopsy and considering her surgeon is a bronchial cancer specialist I’ve got everything crossed very tightly, but since this would be her third cancer (Hodgkins 16 years ago and both breasts removed 7 years ago) I’m also trying not to kid myself that all will be OK. I can't afford to visit her any time soon because ...

On the 17th March I’m moving. This is an forced moved since I am being evicted from my home. I had the nerve to ask for the leaking roof to be fixed and was given 60 days notice. I’m having to move out west, not ideal. So I have to pack up my belongings again, hire a removalist, move Puss and start commuting.

I have a chest infection. It hurts to breath and laugh (not that there is much of that at the moment) and cough (there is a lot of that at the moment). But still I have to go to work. The beauty of being a contractor I suppose. No work, no pay.

I have the worst coldsore outbreak since I was 15, two on my top lip and two on my bottom lip. They hurt all the time. My lips feels like they are about to burst.

My project manager is a dick. He keeps making ‘jokes’ about killing the cat and moving back in with my husband to ease my living arrangements. Yeah, that’d help! When I get in early (before 9.30) because I’ve been up all night coughing, he makes smart arse remarks about the real me being abducted by aliens. Plus, I seems to have turned into his secretary. I’m doing menial work all day, there is plenty of juicy comms stuff to do, but the sh*t takes priority at the moment apparently.

And finally for today someone came up to me and told me I looked like sh*t. I know I look like sh*t and it's because I feel like sh*t. How is that supposed to help, exactly?


In conclusion…I’m going away again. I may be some time.

On the Move Again

I have to start packing again because I have to move. Six weeks ago my roof started to leak after weeks of torrential rain and I sent a polite email to the real estate agent suggesting if it was fixed quickly the landlord could avoid having to repaint the ceiling. I received an email back saying is would be fixed and that the landlord was giving me 60 notice to get out. Incidentally that was six weeks ago and I still have a bucket in the middle of my lounge in case it rains and there is now a moohosive yellow patch on the ceiling.

Anyway, after weeks of Saturday’s slepping around Sydney looking for somewhere to live (along with about a million students all on daddy’s dime) I was offered a place on Friday afternoon and I move on the 17th.

I’m moving from Redfern to Merrylands (pronounced Marylands) into a three bedroom place with a garden for Puss. I’m not sure he’s going to like the Ibis that hang around, but I’m sure he’ll get used to them, just as I will get used to catching the train to work and being a Westie.