A break...

My contract was cancelled today.  Again.

I’m f*cking over it!

I’ve made a decision because I can’t keep doing a job I no longer feel any affinity for to maintain a lifestyle I don’t have.  I have no lifestyle, because I’m always playing catch up financially and always broke. 

I brought two tops last week, in the sale…I hadn’t brought any clothes for over six months because I haven’t been able to afford to.  I could last weekend.  Now I’ll be taking them back (or at least the one I haven’t worn).

My decision.  I thought about doing this last time I was out of work in January and even mentioned it to a few people and I was talked out of it.  This time I’m doing it.

I’m going to pack what I need to survive into some boxes and sell, donate or chuck out everything else.  Books, clothes, furniture, original artworks, kitchen stuff, the works..  And as much as it pains me, the animals will also be looking for homes.  They can be separated.  Max will have to go back to the Rescue he belongs to.

I will be moving out of this house to somewhere, wherever.

There is no current time frame, but seeing as I’m out of work as of today, I reckon it might be reasonably quick.

Only yesterday I thought I was finally catching a break.  I even tossed about the idea of having a long weekend away for the first time in five years, remembering the last trip away I had, my mum died while I was on it.

I’ve done everything in the last six years, yes it’s six years since I became single, I’ve tried starting my own businesses, worked hard and studied hard, but to nought.  It’s a constant uphill struggle with no end in sight because the clouds are so heavy.

Right now I want to drive into the bush, then out into the desert and do what so many have done…disappear.

This may seem like drastic action, but I can’t keep struggling in what is a short life.  My kidneys will kill me before I get old…

I’m doing this because while I will be paid for two weeks, that will be the ONLY money I will have.  I have no savings, nothing I can mortgage and my credit rating isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.  No amount of offers to lend money will dissuade me, I’ll only have to pay it back at some point.

The troughs outnumber the peaks.  And fear I’m very close to drowning.