What's really going on

Normally when I’m being smothered by the black dog of doom I hide away from everyone and everything, this time has been no different, but I have popped up for a moment to say a few things.

I want to set the record straight about a few things. Put everyone in the picture as to why I’m so low and why asking ‘how’s the job hunting going’ is just rubbing salt in the wounds.

Yesterday I left the house. I had too. I didn’t want too. I don’t want to do anything at the moment. That includes the dishes, and getting out of bed. It’s one o’clock in the afternoon and I sit here with panda eyes because I haven’t yet washed the make-up from my face…and you know what, I don’t care.

I don’t care that Cara has chook on the bed
I don’t care that I have a pile of dishes in the kitchen…I’m only eating what comes straight out of a tin, so what?
I don’t like going out in the car, not because I can’t afford to fill her up (I can’t), but because I’m starting to look at trees, concrete barriers and walls in an unhealthy way.

Yesterday someone called my Muv a fool. In an email. I woke up to am email that called my Muv a fool.

I’m supposed to be on a plane to Rome. Instead I’m having to talk to agents that keep dragging me into the city to ‘talk and find out where you want to go’. I want to go to Rome, Florence, Milan spend time with good friends on a balloon ride over Tuscany. Instead you’re wasting my time because I know you don’t have a job for me, but you have to keep your stats up. Meanwhile I've let TM down monumentally, which breaks my heart because I hate letting people down.

I feel myself on a countdown to homelessness. My rent is paid up until 1st November. After that I have no way of paying rent or any other bill that finds it’s way into the house. Currently there are no real prospects just lots of copies of my CV floating in the job ether.

I keep receiving emails and text messages asking why I’m ignoring them, that they have explained why they pulled out of this or that at the last moment. I’m not ignoring you, I’m ignoring everyone and everything because I have nothing nice or good to say. I’m not capable of saying it’s Ok that you let me down, because it’s not. I needed and wanted you there, to share the experience, that’s why I invited you.

If this leaves me friendless, I’m beyond caring.

I’m desperate and despite talking with friends I know that really no one has even the slightest clue how bad I am this time. It’s not just the complete lack of money, it everything. The chicken coop I order weeks ago arrived today and guess what, you need two people to put it up.

I’m rambling.