Stages of Grief and Loss

We can all expect to experience grief or feelings of loss for something or someone at some point in our lives. Chances are you already have. A close family member, a relationship, a job that unexpectedly left you wondering what to do next or even a favorite tool that went poof followed by the faint smell of burning rubber.

Regardless of the loss you will experience the various stages of loss and grief.

There are no rules as to how long we experience each stage, just as there are no rules how long the overall process takes. We may pass through them quickly, hours or days or it may take longer, months or years, even the rest of your life.

Just as there are no rules as to the length of time it takes, there are also no rules about the order. They may even happen all at once.

I recently have experienced a rapid transition through the first four stages, with the first three happening concurrently and the forth settling in for the duration;
• Shock and Denial
• Pain and Guilt
• Anger
• Depression

Shock and Denial comes in that moment when you realize you’ve lost someone or something.

A phone call, a hand on yours over the bed, no response to your calls, the moment you hear the poof and smell that smell.

No matter if you where expecting it or not. You’ll still feel the moment of shock or numb disbelief, that is immediately followed with a ‘No’

Shock is usually followed by Guilt and Pain. It will come in the form of self-blame. If only I’d taken more notice, if only I’d acted sooner, if only I’d taken her with me, if only I’d had it serviced…if only if only.

These losses are rarely your fault, but our nature is to blame ourselves, if only for a short time. Although these feelings can be excruciating and unbearable, it is important to resist chemical assistance, such as prescription medication, illegal drugs and certainly alcohol, despite your desire to drown your sorrows.

It will seem as if life has no way to continue at this time.

This Pain and Guilt gives way to Anger. You may lash out at those that love you, blame people for the loss that were only trying to help. Blame others, yourself or even the lost.

The doctors failed to spot the problem. If only they had started treatment earlier. If only you hadn’t stopped for that ice-cream. If someone is ‘caring’ for her when they should have taken her to the vet, if I find that person, well, I won’t be responsible…

This is a time to seek assistance from a professional, as your emotions may not control whom you lash out at, and permanent damage may be done to familial relationships or close friendships.

You may come down from Anger and going straight in Depression or you may flip-flop between guilt and anger for a while before the Depression and Loneliness hits you.

This time will be marred with the ‘I wish’ sentiment and times of reflection. I wish I could have stayed a moment longer. I wish I had told her I love her more. The bed is so big now. I wish I’d had the name and number tag made sooner.

Self-isolation is common now and it’s important you aren’t talked out of these periods by well meaning friends and family. This is an important time for you to reflect on the gravity of the loss you have experienced.

After a time, and Depression can be the longest stage, you’ll start to look forward to life again. Once again you’ll have Hope. The hope will seep into the gaps between the sad, reflective moments and you’ll find yourself thinking, ‘This will end’.

You’ll never forget but life will go on. While the new Bosh drill doesn’t have the same heft as the old one, it still drills holes and takes that labour out of screwing things together.

You’ll miss your loved one but you’ll always have the memories you shared together.

She will come home to me.

I’m currently sitting between Anger and Depression and Loneliness. Cara went missing on the 1st April during the thunder. I have done all that I can and can afford to at this time.

My friends have helped me negotiate Guilt by telling me I did nothing wrong. And the power of social media is helping me find her along with posters, letterbox drops, door knocks and tweeting.

The thought however that someone is ‘caring’ for her because she’s cute, fills me with rage, however. There is no conclusion to this part of the tale.

Grief. We all experience it at some point in our lives. Some experience early in life with the passing of a beloved pet, others are older the first time. For some it is fleeting, others it is everlasting. It won’t make you stronger but it will help you process all that life throws at you. Because as much as I joke about my Dad’s favourite saying, it’s true: We are born, we do suffer and we do die. And if we get to experience love, happiness and loss along the way we are indeed, very lucky.

Footnote: This is a speech I have written as an assignment for Toastmasters.