Helpdesk

I've been contracting for most of my career. I've had many contracts lasting a varied amount of time in a variety of industries, towns and countries.

I've worked for and with some amazing people that I admire and have made lasting friendships. As well as power hungry men and women who'd sacrifice their first born for a promotion.

I've gone from being a novice computer user using a VAX machine to PCs and Microsoft Word 3. I built my MS Word knowledge up to become an expert user and fell back to being a beginner when they brought in Ribbon menus.

I've had desks with a view overlooking Sydney Harbour and desks facing a corner giving me that 'I've been naughty' feeling. Hotdesks make me feel temporary and make me feel uneasy. Chairs have varied too...arms and no arms, straight back to a permanent falling off the back sensation.

I've worked with small teams and large teams. Small companies run by Ma and Pa to large multi-nationals in high rises.

I've travelled states, countries and the world for work, by trains, planes and automobiles, the latter being my favourite mode of transport.

I've met many people along the way in my career and worked with many technologies. Every single contract has been different in so many ways. These opportunities have given me so much to take away and learn from.

That said they all have one thing in common. Helpdesk has been the first additional folder in every single email program I've had, be it Outlook or Lotus Notes or that archaic green screen thing I had in VAX. The first email I've every had to keep has been a IT Helpdesk request number.

Technology. Fantastic, when it works.

Crack in the Facade

Yesterday I had an odd day.

I woke feeling rested for the first time in a couple of weeks. I showered, dressed, sorted out the fur and feathers and even caught the train I was aiming for. The sun was shining.

Not long after the train had pulled away from the platform I felt the sting of a tear in my eye. I willed it away becasue I couldn't figure out why it felt like it was needed. There were no sad movies to be seen, no songs of regret pumping through my headphones. I was listening to Sander van Doorn to continue the positive mood I was in.

The tears pricked until they spilled over and started to run down my cheeks. I descreetly wiped them away.

I looked in my bag for a tissue. Sniffing season hasn't yet started so I don't have any. Damn.

I used my sleeve. Very twelve year old.

Then the nose started to go.

The train was packed and I was sat in the fixed seat that faces another. The lady sat in the seat opposite was watching me with interest but she made no move to offer a tissue or even an encouraging smile. Our knees where touching, maybe she felt that was comfort enough.

I could feel choking coming on as we sat at a station with the door open. I jumped for my seat, over the person between me and the aisle and out onto the platform. A large suck of air, pushed the lump in my throat back down.

I walked along the platform, expecting the doors to close, but they didn't. I found a seat a couple of carriages away from where I'd started and resumed my trip into work, feeling slightly confused but more composed.

The tears started again. That reprieve had been short.

What was going on to cause this...breakdown?

I thought about Cara. I thought about my job situation, my home life, my loneliness, sickness, the things I do because I'm on my own, things I don't do because I'm on my own. The last few years in general and how I've been breathing through the stress, the pain and worry for nearly four years, with little or no physical support.

Yes, I acknowledge there have been good times in there, but I can tell you that rough and tough times FAR outweighed good.

Whilst I have regular contact with many folks online (both here and aboard), no amount of wishful thoughts, air hugs and kisses and kindly, supportive words in a message will ever make up for an actual hug and a jolly good chat over a glass of wine.

I know there are some that ask how I fit everything I do into my life. I make it fit to prevent myself doing myself harm. Yes I mean that. Given too much time to think I eventually come back to 'why bother?'

Yesterday when I broke, the doctor wanted me to go to the hospital for evalution and assitance for my nervous or mental breakdown. I managed to convince her that I wouldn't self harm and I mean it. I think it, I know there are people out there that would, but not I. When thinking about how, I come around to who'd find me, who'd have to deal with my lack of will, who have to tell what family I have left that still speaks to me (family weirdness) and ultimately who'd have to do the washing up. So it always come back to thinking of others.

I acknowledge that I need help, professional help. I also need to make lifestyle changes and I need to have someone in my life that can call me when they want too and vice versa. Someone that I can exchange hugs with. Someone that isn't going to tell me to 'get over it' and most of all I need a human in my life that isn't surprised when they see me cry and even better if they can say, 'You're beautiful', when I do.

This won't solve the problem, but it with sure as hell will make putting together IKEA shelves easier.

Stages of Grief and Loss

We can all expect to experience grief or feelings of loss for something or someone at some point in our lives. Chances are you already have. A close family member, a relationship, a job that unexpectedly left you wondering what to do next or even a favorite tool that went poof followed by the faint smell of burning rubber.

Regardless of the loss you will experience the various stages of loss and grief.

There are no rules as to how long we experience each stage, just as there are no rules how long the overall process takes. We may pass through them quickly, hours or days or it may take longer, months or years, even the rest of your life.

Just as there are no rules as to the length of time it takes, there are also no rules about the order. They may even happen all at once.

I recently have experienced a rapid transition through the first four stages, with the first three happening concurrently and the forth settling in for the duration;
• Shock and Denial
• Pain and Guilt
• Anger
• Depression

Shock and Denial comes in that moment when you realize you’ve lost someone or something.

A phone call, a hand on yours over the bed, no response to your calls, the moment you hear the poof and smell that smell.

No matter if you where expecting it or not. You’ll still feel the moment of shock or numb disbelief, that is immediately followed with a ‘No’

Shock is usually followed by Guilt and Pain. It will come in the form of self-blame. If only I’d taken more notice, if only I’d acted sooner, if only I’d taken her with me, if only I’d had it serviced…if only if only.

These losses are rarely your fault, but our nature is to blame ourselves, if only for a short time. Although these feelings can be excruciating and unbearable, it is important to resist chemical assistance, such as prescription medication, illegal drugs and certainly alcohol, despite your desire to drown your sorrows.

It will seem as if life has no way to continue at this time.

This Pain and Guilt gives way to Anger. You may lash out at those that love you, blame people for the loss that were only trying to help. Blame others, yourself or even the lost.

The doctors failed to spot the problem. If only they had started treatment earlier. If only you hadn’t stopped for that ice-cream. If someone is ‘caring’ for her when they should have taken her to the vet, if I find that person, well, I won’t be responsible…

This is a time to seek assistance from a professional, as your emotions may not control whom you lash out at, and permanent damage may be done to familial relationships or close friendships.

You may come down from Anger and going straight in Depression or you may flip-flop between guilt and anger for a while before the Depression and Loneliness hits you.

This time will be marred with the ‘I wish’ sentiment and times of reflection. I wish I could have stayed a moment longer. I wish I had told her I love her more. The bed is so big now. I wish I’d had the name and number tag made sooner.

Self-isolation is common now and it’s important you aren’t talked out of these periods by well meaning friends and family. This is an important time for you to reflect on the gravity of the loss you have experienced.

After a time, and Depression can be the longest stage, you’ll start to look forward to life again. Once again you’ll have Hope. The hope will seep into the gaps between the sad, reflective moments and you’ll find yourself thinking, ‘This will end’.

You’ll never forget but life will go on. While the new Bosh drill doesn’t have the same heft as the old one, it still drills holes and takes that labour out of screwing things together.

You’ll miss your loved one but you’ll always have the memories you shared together.

She will come home to me.

I’m currently sitting between Anger and Depression and Loneliness. Cara went missing on the 1st April during the thunder. I have done all that I can and can afford to at this time.

My friends have helped me negotiate Guilt by telling me I did nothing wrong. And the power of social media is helping me find her along with posters, letterbox drops, door knocks and tweeting.

The thought however that someone is ‘caring’ for her because she’s cute, fills me with rage, however. There is no conclusion to this part of the tale.

Grief. We all experience it at some point in our lives. Some experience early in life with the passing of a beloved pet, others are older the first time. For some it is fleeting, others it is everlasting. It won’t make you stronger but it will help you process all that life throws at you. Because as much as I joke about my Dad’s favourite saying, it’s true: We are born, we do suffer and we do die. And if we get to experience love, happiness and loss along the way we are indeed, very lucky.

Footnote: This is a speech I have written as an assignment for Toastmasters.