Triple Zero

The other night I had a conversation with my mate Miss Eudoxia about the circumstances under which a call to 000 is appropriate (we also chatted about boys and had a naked pillow fight in the less serious moments). It turns out that a bin in the middle of the road just requires you to get off your arse and move it. A driver hassling you and driving dangerously is just cause, as is having your husband sectioned ‘cause he’s threatened to kill himself or you.

So having had this conversation I was unpleasantly surprised last night as I left the office I had to make a call to 000.

On the steps outside my office were two guys (Caucasian, wearing beanies and other shabby clothes) holding a lighter under a coke can. As I stepped over them to get home I smelt a smell that was decidedly not natural. The hypodermic needle next to them was also a dead give away. It was only 6.30pm.

I rang Miss Eudoxia after and she confirmed that drug taking did indeed qualify as a 000 call as at least four laws were being broken.

Note: 000 is the Emergancy number in Australia. 999 in the UK. 911 in the USA

Spit and Felt Tip

I may be showing my age or maybe just my old-fashioned upbringing but I need to vent.

For the first time in months I brought myself a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine. It had a pretty picture of Eva Longoria wearing white on the cover and promises ‘Celeb Sex Shocks’ and apparently ‘the Best Fashion idea for my shape’.

So picture me, laying in bed (as all good Cosmo read happen, I hear) browsing the pages of a girlie mag. I was looking at pictures of shoes, handbags, skirts, shirts and more shoes. I was revelling in the photos of girls dressed in the latest upcoming fashions and thanking my lucky stars I was old enough to have my own style (jeans and t-shirt/blouse, thank you very much!) and didn’t feel I had to conform to pinafore dresses in plaid over spotty shirts or skirts with enormous, useless buttons.

On page 53 I was looking at the Quick Tips from the fashion editor. There were just three;
1. Holey tights? Blast with hairspray to stop a run.
2. Revamp a tired headscarf by adding a cute brooch
3. Use a black felt-tip pen to freshen up scuffed shoes

USE A FELT TIP PEN TO COVER SCUFFS!

What the hell happened to polish your shoes? Surely I’m not the only one my age who still partakes in this archaic practice. I know Miss Eudoxia does, after all it’s a requirement of her new truncheon wielding position. I know Hubby doesn’t polish his, ‘cause I do them. I know my dad does and so does my mum, after all they’re the ones who taught me.

Help…please let me know how you keep your shoes looking their best.

(284 words)

Coastal Shopping Hell

I have had the luxury of spending most of January at the house in the bush. Now I love the quiet, undisturbed peace that resides in the bush. The boys, Puss and Newk have enjoyed the holiday too, Newk has lost a little weight, Puss has lost a lot.

Today, I had to go to the local shopping centre for sustenance, a duvet cover and to post the Alpaca newsletter. The rain (first for weeks) had brought all the freaky locals out to play and the car park was completely full, so I had to park in the mail zone first, then on the concrete end of a row a spaces. Thank goodness for all wheel drive.

Tuggarah has been the shopping centre that I’ve used for over four years. I’ve always found it to be a bit dodgy but recently I have started to notice how completely rancid it is. The last time I was there I had lunch and had the pleasure of seeing a heavily pregnant woman wearing yellow having a smoke and the guy sitting behind me had arse cleavage that you could park a bike in.

Today I saw a rather large lady wearing not enough clothing to cover a rather small lady, a spry chickie parking in the disabled spaces and gaggles of old and aging smokers gathered around the doorways but out of the rain. I dashed into the fruit and veggie shop and was stunned by the lack of urgency. Not that I was in a hurry, but a ten minute queue to pay was frustrating. I rushed away so quickly I forgot to buy cat food.

I also popped to Spotlight to buy a duvet cover. I picked one quickly, a miracle in itself ‘cause normally you can’t find anything, the place always looks like a bombs hit it and a shower is nearly always required after a visit because it’s so dusty. Anyway, I needed a duvet cover and a varnish brush and they sell ‘em cheap. I picked what I wanted an got in the queue. Twenty minutes later, the two older ladies had paid for their purchases and I made the mistake of asking how much the paint brushes were.

The girl behind the counter looked at me blankly, then at the brushes, she picked one up and scanned the barcode, then in a flash to ‘Little Britain’ she said ‘computer says no’ Apparently the brushes I had picked were not registered in the computer and she had to go find the price. A few more minutes and a queue snaking its way through the store and she was back.

I had a desire to drive really fast afterwards, away from the people, away from the coast, but I didn’t I resisted as I realized that deep down I like the hustle and bustle of the city. I need the speeds which operate there. I’ve been bush for too long and starting back to work on the 29th will not be a minute too soon.

(509 words)