The Hen was a Man

As you’ll know by now Sam and Sara are getting hitched next week in India. So in grand tradition of girls getting married we (Edna, Trixy and Rachel) took Sam out for a night on the town. First we dressed him up like a naughty school boy with the addition of a tiara and vale, then we plied him with alcohol then we walked him to Hellfire.

Trixy looked lovely in black leather; Rachel has a fine body for tight denim and what can only be described as Spandex. Corporate tart suited Edna, even if she did forget her skirt and I donned a corset and a red wig. Once inside, champagne was ordered and the groom toasted, many times. He even had his picture taken by the official photographer.

We all got to see the first and second shows of the evening too. The first was Christa Hughes who used to sing lead vocals for Machine Gun Fellatio. She has the most awesome voice, so I’m adding her to my groupie listing for 2007. Later Gypsy Wood (you may remember her from such stage shows and blog entries as Feasting on Flesh) did a little show where she popped all the balloons she was dressed in with large sharp knives. It would also seem that they were filled with blood or red food colouring (I hope it food colouring) ‘cause today I have lots of little red spots on my white shirt.

This morning however, Edna and I tried to forget about the fun had the night before but the brightness of the sun, the party feet and desire to eat a fully cooked fry-up breakfast told us that we’d had a really good night. We had a Doris day, sitting in Hyde Park watching he world go by and eat its packed lunch with a knife and fork, shopping (we even met with Sam for a short time), drinking hot chocolate and eating sushi. We over indulged and Edna brought a polar bear coat. I’m pretty sure I encouraged her, she just needs some rich ‘bloke’ (not her word;-) to take her skiing in New Zealand so she can wear it.

Thank goodness the wedding is dry.

My First Restaurant Review

With India only five sleeps away I paid S a visit for de-yetification. Edna came with me so she could have her eyelashes tinted and look like a cow again. She has the most amazing eyelashes, long and curly.

After S had worked her magic, Edna and I grabbed some dinner at a steak joint in Erina Shopping Centre and as promised here’s my review of an eatery ;-)

Seven Eagles Spur
The Hive, Erina Shopping Centre

Only a few months ago this location was another steak place with slightly different décor. Now it's part of the Spur Steak Ranch chain and bright, but oddly welcoming. The seats look comfortable and the booth we sat in wrapped its cow printed vinyl around us.

The menu, presented on printed board, offered the usual steak house fare. Burgers, Tex-Mex, grilled stuff, combos, salad and of course steaks. We ordered a Starter Platter, a Chicken and Guacamole salad and a side of fries to share.

The plates were clean and the food arrived promptly. Most importantly it was hot, which meant freshly cooked. The Starter Platter had on it calamari, crumbed mushrooms and spicy chicken wings. The flavour was good, but the wings looked suspiciously like legs. The salad was disappointing. How hard is it to get a salad right? The iceberg was soggy from all the vinaigrette dressing, the guacamole had either too much lemon or onion in it, making it bitter, it could have been both, but the chicken almost redeemed it by being moist and barbeque tasty.

The service was quick and friendly, they even did a song and dance for the 80 year old birthday girl sitting a few tables away with her whole dynasty.

Entrees $3.50 – 19.95
Mains $14.95 - $30

Poetry Helps!?

A week or so ago while in the office I heard Sally’s’ boss (she sits just over the partition from me) say ‘well done Sally, it’s so nice to know you know what you’re doing’.

My immediate reaction was to flick her a quick one liner saying, ‘Ohh my god, how condescending was that?’
We’d been talking rhyme only the day before and I got back, ‘tis not just you, i felt it too, we did not misconstrue, on the conclusion we drew. I might just say, that it happens every day!!’

I was felling silly so I responded and before we knew it I could hear chuckles coming from the other side of the wall and then the email came

‘We could call this couplet therapy’ Sally said after the 10th email. For an accountant she has a great sense of humour ;-)

Over the past few days we have exchanged such gems as the following four;

why don’t you have a little rest
so when you wake you're at your best
for me ill stay awake
as i have to watch the snake

I had a rhyme for now,
but it seemed the sow
and the odd cow
didn't cut it some how ;-)

off the cuff
is exciting stuff
i'll take her guff
til ive had enough
lets go again
my rhyming friend!

What a witch,
with an itch
who will snitch
to that bitch ;-)

The Dangers of Email

I remember in the dark ages before email existed. People had to telephone each other at either the office or at home, ‘cause in the days before there was no mobile phone either. Or a letter had to be written and faxed or mailed with a stamp. Of course computers had been invented but they were as big as a small car and printers had their own rooms.

What with those days only being a few short years ago (I have to protect my age, you know ;-) it’s understandable that people are still making mistakes when writing email. Although I don’t think anyone under the age of 30 has any excuses after all they’ve at least always had access to email at work (office based jobs of course).

Over the last few months I have been victim (yes, victim is the right word to use) of carelessly or hastily written emails. I even wrote about it in last Editors message in the Alpaca magazine. So, after receiving another one of these ill-considered emails only this week, I thought I would share my thoughts on email etiquette with you, my readers.

Before you press the send button;
1. Re-read it and think to yourself – if I received this would I be upset/offended/angry?
2. On work related email think to yourself – Is this constructive feedback, have I given a solution to what I’ve criticised/said I don’t like?
3. On email where you are being sarcastic, think to yourself – Is it clear I’m being sarcastic by the libel sprinkling of smiles? ( I know I guilty of this one on occasion).
4. On an email where you use acronyms, swear words or anything else that may be considered ‘dodgy’ think – Is this appropriate?
5. Check if you’ve used UPPERCASE, be aware that you’re shouting, do you need to be shouting?

If you go by all of this and it still doesn’t feel right (and I may have missed something, please feel free to comment) get someone else to read it before you press the send button.

I always think about it as if I’m writing a letter (unless it’s someone I know really well and it’s a one liner). Address the reader (Dear, To, Hi, Hey! etc.), the body of the email/letter (broken into paragraphs is required) and a sign off (regards, sincerely, bye, etc.).

Of course, I by no means get emails right all the time, but I do make the effort each and every time I write one. If I make a mistake I like to think I’m big enough to admit it and move on.

And by the way, here’s a few smiles you may encounter if you ever get email from me and you may like to brush up;

:-) – A smile

;-) – A wink (cheeky)

:-D – A wide grin (I’m really happy)

and finally…

A kiss - :-*

Moon Shadow

TheOtherAndrew did this test thingy a couple of days ago and I thought I'd give it a go too.

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Nose In, Arse Out

Over the weekend, Hubby and I stayed in a motel called the Acacia Motor Inn in Armidale; it’s just off the main road into town and well lit when arriving at night.

It was clean, warmish and provided most of the items required when away from home. There was a bed (extremely hard), a shower (chill to scold in 0.5 second), towels (blue, soft and big enough for a baby’s bottom, but not mine) and mini bars of pineapple scented soap. No mini bottles of shampoo, we had to buy that. They also provided a TV that piped SBS, ABC, channels 7, 9,10 and Sky News into the room. But no internet wireless as promised by the website we booked it on.

For the car windows, a bucket of cold water and a squeegee mop was provided.

The sign on the wall next to the bucket has got me thinking though.

PARK NOSE IN!

Why do I have to park my car nose in?
Is it because they’ve had trouble with others stuffing up the reverse parking action?
Is it because it looks neater?
Why do I have to abide by this weird request?

I would love to know the reason, it’s ranks up there with other strange requests that you see on signs about the place, such as;

Keep Off the Grass
Park Rear In
No Mobile Phones
No Picnics

Ok, I can understand the no mobile one, but the others…please explain.

Eurovision ROCKS!

More raffle tickets and lucky dips were sold in Armidale before leaving at 2pm and commencing our journey south and back to Sydney with a couple of stops to take pictures of roads... one day I’ll explain.

The rush was caused by our need to get home for the Eurovision Song Contest. Gotta love this weird-arse-freaky-deeki-f*cked up European tradition! Even though it seems it’s no longer purely European.

You get 30 odd European countries who write song especially for this, pick unknowns to sing them, put them in various way out costumes, trial choreography for monkeys, break the budget for big LCD displays and pyrotechnics. Put it all together you have a visual feast that has spawned drinking games galore around the world since 1956.

Skull a shot for every ‘La la la’ or ‘dah dah dah’’
Skull a shot for every song sung in ‘national costume’
Skull a shot every time a country votes 12 (top) points for their direct neighbour.
Skull a shot every time the UK gets points (it’s very rare, so don’t rely on this one for a good night).

If nothing else watch it for Terry Wogan’s commentary. He takes the p*ss all night and still gets invited back.

Congratulations Serbia for winning with 268 points!

UK came last with 17... There’s always next year!

Armidale – Wool Expo

After a quick hop from Sydney to Armidale (500kms) on Friday night then a committee meeting where we happily committed to spend $20,000 on a new trailer, a cal…ohh you don’t care! ;-) I don’t even care and I’m responsible for at least $8000 of that (raffle, cal…once again, you don’t care).

Saturday saw us rising at a stupid hour for a weekend morning and making our way to the Armidale show grounds for Wool Expo. Once there I manned the raffle ticket table all day and entertained the kids with lucky dips. Hubby took pictures of the show taking place at the other end of the marquee.

In the evening we left all the wool people, both of the alpaca and sheep kind to their barn dance and went to the movies. We saw Spiderman 3. both Edna and theotherandrew were right, it good for eye candy and it is 16 hours long.

Sorry Edna, but I like Tobey Macquire, but as we have established on many of our evenings of cider + over analysis…I like dorks!

But the highlight of the evening was getting back to our hotel and watching the qualifying round of Eurovision! Hosted by the traditional - she who wears a hot pink fish tail dress and he who dons a whiter than white suit. Edited highlights below…unlike SBS…

Viva La Eurovision!

Countdown in Finnish! (most certainly spelt wrong three, two, one in Finnish)…
Goalme
Gooxie
Uooksie

Bulgaria – Bondage chain mail outfits with kick arse drums and lots of red
Iceland – I know you’re Europe but when did this turn into the Imitate your favorite 80s hair rock band Contest?
Switzerland – When did Bonnie Tyler do vampire chic?
Albania – When did Andrew Lloyd Webber start writing songs for Eurovision?
Denmark – Ohh my god! Priscilla eat your heart out?
Serbia – Androgynous opera with big heavy glasses.
Czech Republic – ZZTop when they were 30
Portugal – Euro pops in really short ruffled white PVC
FYR Macedonia – The mirror trousers blinded me to the music…and they qualified!
Norway – The amazing ripable dress, just like Bucks Fizz circa 198something
Malta – ‘Loving you gives me vertigo’ with lyrics and shirtless violin player/gong banger was gob smacked!
Hungary – A bus top sign and suitcase helped the song how…and what’s with the Sandie Shaw ripoff by going barefoot?
Estonia – ‘we’re sitting in the rain and sipping cold champagne’ was the stunning opening line to a wind machine on overdrive, and they didn’t get through…shame!
Belgium – described a cross between Mika and Huggybear in gold lame and a back up playing piano/guitar wearing a turgoise wide collar with white tie, sh*t, but really excited.
Slovenia - Looks like Mortica Addams in a leather bodice and rag skirt. In her right hand she had a panel of LED’s that she used to light her face. Sounded like a nice song but I couldn’t understand it.
Turkey – ‘Shake it up, shake in, tell me what you’re thinking’ sung by PT Burham
Austria - The more interesting thing about this one was the back up dancers dressed in red feather boa and sequins and the fact the singer emerged out of a a giant boa and the pyrotechnics.
Latvia – the guys were wearing top hats and carrying white roses… It was the Six Latvian Tenors in Denim! Weirdly enough, it could be a winner.

New Band

Edna and I went out for our usual Wednesday night dinner at Sushi Train followed by drinks at the Brighton tonight. Sushi Train did us proud again with plenty of our type of $3 plates sailing past us along with the pickled ginger and wasabi.

The Brighton (corner of Riley & Oxford Street) was quiet, only half a dozen patrons nursing beers and smoking. When someone decided it was time to play rap on the juke box we decided it was time to move to the Macquarie (corner Goulburn and Wentworth) for some real band action.

Our Wednesday night consist of a few ciders accompanied by much over analysis of boys, work colleagues and anyone else who may cross our paths. We also reminisce about past loves and debate about the merits of future ones. Anyway, to night we were talking about email flirtations and past loves in great detail.

While we listened to the new resident band I remembered and told a story about a fella’ I had around for dinner when I was about 17 or 18. I though Edna was going choke. She certainly released some cider back into the world via her nose…Anyway…I invited this guy (can’t remember his name) around for dinner, I cooked a salad with grilled chicken and boiled egg…practically a Caesar without the funky sauce. He arrived for the dinner bearing gifts. A large pot of yoghurt. Blackcherry, my favorite.

After dinner we had yoghurt for dessert then took the dog for a walk. When he lent in for a snog he put his hand on my boob. That was my cue to say ‘so time for home then’. I never saw him again.

Ohh… the innocence of youth and how times change!

The Zion Band - The Wednesday night May residents of the Macquarie Hotel lured the customers tonight into a false sense of security. In the first of three sets of forty minutes they played a cool mix of reggae and jazz. A nice soothing sound that allowed you to continue your conversation while enjoying the sounds coming from the corner.

The second set hotted up and let the members of the band show their true talents. The lead singer/bass palyer had a voice that would challenge Shaggy, but only on a bad day, while the saxophone player was the true virtuoso. During the set I saw him play at least five instruments, the Sax, the flute, a fife, a trumpet, a tambourine and the maracas. At one point I had a flash on Ron Burgundy from Anchorman playing jazz flute but it soon passed.

They played their own songs with a touch of Bob Marley and Lou Reed. Their happy joy joy music had the toes tapping and the shoulders bumpin’. Titles like Amnesia , Liberty and Satellite had a touch of rap, but not enough to drive away. In fact it possible that we’ll be back for more Shadow play.

Rumbled

A few weeks ago I made a boo boo on this here blog. Since then I have been chatting to someone under my pseudonym who has met me at the gigs, hoping that sooner rather later they would figure out who I am. I couldn’t tell… it had gone to far.

Now it’s all out in the open…my identity has been revealed through a sequence of deductions and carefully place questions.

I can breathe again when I go to pub gigs that I’m not going to say something to give myself away. I had no idea how tight my shoulders had got from the tension. I can even listen to the music again without thinking…ohh sh*t!

New Sibling

My mum emailed me today to tell me I have a new baby brother. His name is Freddy and he’s seven weeks old.

I don't think my other 'brother' Percy is that impressed. 'Cause Freddy keeps chasing him and trying to bite his tail. Boy will be boys and cats and dogs will fight.

A Town Where I Lived

I went into Analytics today to check my stats and saw that I’d had a visitor from Guildford in Surrey, UK.

Say Hi please, if it’s you, I grew up there!

A Trip to Cutesville

A brief visit to Taronga Zoo today resulted in me seeing a somewhat rare occurence.

A koala awake!

Koala sleeps well
awake for only sixty
then asleep again

Butcher Art

On Thursday I went to see an alpaca being processed into back strap, rump and neck joints, among other things. It was fairly confronting to see four of the fleeced animals sans fleece, but in the line of duty as roving reporter for the alpaca magazine, I needed to finally put all the bad rumours t bed.

I have to confess, the worst thing about the whole experience was seeing the butchers use the ban saw without any sort of guard.

I took heaps of photos, but only the following are suitable for publication on a blog.

Ohh yeah...and they gave me a hat!

My Angel comes up Trumps, Again!

My friend Edna, I may have mentioned her before, has just given me the key to her success…and I always thought she had magic dust!

Technology Humour

I heard something on the radio last night during my drive home (only time I listen to FM) from an American comedian that made me giggle. He was talking about new technology and about how sometimes it just doesn’t make life better. He started by saying he had had a call from his mobile phone service telling him about the benefits of text messaging and they went something like this…

Do you find it’s just too convenient to talk on the phone?
Do you find you need more areas in your life were you have to type?
Do you like the convenience of not being able to see or hear the emotions of those you are communicating with?
Do you like to make you short communications long and laborious?

If you do you should use text messaging!

The Evil, that is DIY Furniture

A long time ago, in a land far from here a little man, or woman came up with the concept of furniture that you put together yourself with the assistance of some dowels, screws and glue…ohh, and a hammer.

My friend Edna, required some of this furniture last weekend and we took a drive out to the rather large store, wandered round, picked up some other bits (not quite so necessary items), a bookshelf (she’s literary), a bedside table disguised as a five drawer filing unit, and a rather funky little lamp table for the lounge.

I should also mention that that have a little Swedish food shop and they have Dime Bars in various forms. I got the Bar form, the mini bar form, but Edna drew the line at the Dime Nuggets. Spoil sport! ;-)

Edna, I believe doesn’t really like Ikea ‘cause she has trouble putting the items together so they look like the items on display, but Newk, found the bag they provided highly amusing.

Stereotypes and Driving

Towards the end of another 400km of driving last night I got to thinking about driving in general (this may have been prompted by the guy in the Toyota Landcruiser tail gating, but I’ll let you judge that ;-)

Anyway…there are many stereotypes when it come to driving and cars that I have heard, at least one I believe to be fairly actuate, others I think are a lot of old tosh!

For instance, I think the one about women being bad drivers is true. Yes, Yes, I know I have just let down women kind (myself included) by saying this, but I have a little evidence to back this one up.

In general, women do not drive as many k’s as men, they tend to drive larger cars (read 4WD that never see dirt) ‘cause the feel safer in them (what about everybody else?) and more often than not are looking at what’s happening on the back seat rather than looking at the road. I have witnessed this, here the tally for yesterday alone.

Women so little they could hardly see over the steering wheel, let alone the bonnet – 1
Women looking over their shoulder, swatting the kids playing up in the back seat and hence lane drifting – 2
Women driving 80km on a freeway in the middle lane, hunched over the steering wheel with eyes the size of saucers – 2
Women chatting to their girlfriend so much they go 20kms out of the way, opps… that was me and Edna, last weekend on the way to Ikea ;-) - 1
Women chatting to the girlfriend in the passenger seat and lane drifting – 1
Women to scared to change lanes, so indicate, then don't move, then indicate agian. A girlfiend from work calls them 'Twitchers' - 2 (Thanks, Sally).

On the other hand, it was a man driving up my backside so close he could have opened the boot and climbed in.

Self Portrait