Readie Meme

On Monday, The Other Andrew had put an entry called ‘The Bookish Meme’, this is my reply.

1. One book you have read more than once:
A few – but the one I’ve read a number of times is 101 Dalmatians. I just can’t get enough of the black and white haired baddie, Cruelly De Vil!

2. One book you would want on a desert island:
Cook your own coconut for Dummies or maybe a empty book so I could write the ultimate diary. After all, in the words of Oscar Wilde ‘One should always keep a diary as one should always have something scandalous to read.’

3. One book that made you laugh:
Fat Forty and Fired by Nigel Marsh, read it last year and loved it. In fact it could almost fit into the next question too, I laughed so much.

4. One book that made you cry:
The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller. And that was even before I saw the film, that really made me cry. Other would include Harry Potter 6 The Half Blood Prince, Watership Down and In Cold Blood by Truman Capote (because I hated it and had to read it for Uni!)

5. One book you wish you had written:
Dracula by Bram Stoker. An enduring Classic, it may not have made as much money as Mr. Brown has, but it will be around a lot longer I think.

6. One book you wish had never been written:
Ohh.. do I have to just pick one… there are so many! (see question 4;-)

7. One book you are currently reading:
A couple of books as normal. I never have just one on the go.
How to Understand Poetry by Margaret Cutler-Stuart, The Journalist and the Murderer by Janet Malcolm and Erotic Tales by Alison Tyler. The first two are for Uni, the last one is all for me!

8. One book you have been meaning to read:
So much to read, so little time!
However, I have a lovely 1910 edition of Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy that I brought in a dusty old south Australian second hand bookshop for $20 a few years ago. I’m sure one day I’ll get to read it.

9. One Book That Changed Your Life:
Ken Hom’s Hot Wok, he taught me to cook Chinese food and the best wontons on the planet.

10. Now tag five people:
Five people would have to read my blog for that ;-)

If you want to play, leave a comment or a link to your blog with your answers. But most of all…have fun!

21st Century Girl

My hubby went to retrieve my USB key from my handbag the other day and when he came back he said, ‘You truly are a 21st Century girl!’

I asked him why and his reply was, ‘Well, I had to get past the PDA, the IPod, the digital camera, the mobile phone, the Mylanta and blood pressure pills!’.

(58 words)

Alpaca Pride

The Hubby and I spent our day on Saturday amongst the warm smells and humming sounds of alpacas. It was our regional Spring Show, yes I know it’s technically still winter, but some bright spark thought it would be good to move the venue two months out and we could only get this date. Better planning might be in order for next years show!

Anyway…I took three of our four animals to the show. It’s been a while since I pranced around the show ring struggling to keep an animal in-line and get it to walk the way it needs to for the judge to have a good look, but it brought back a few memories (the one other show I attended with Wispa) and some pain to my arse bone.

But I have good news today, in fact, FANbloodyTASTIC news, dear reader, between them they brought home FOUR ribbons. Alto was the first of my animals in the ring (Intermediate Male Grey/Roan) he came second and I was more than a little chuffed. Then, a little later Wispa, Alto’s mum got a turn in the Senior Female Grey/Roan class; she also came out with a red ribbon to hang on the wall. But our recent addition to the herd made me very proud. Between Alto and Wispa, Arabella (nicknamed Beckham because of her funky fringe) strutted her stuff in the Mature Female Grey/Roan class and came out with not only a blue first ribbon, but a Green Reserve Class Champion ribbon too.

So today, I feel really good, if a little sore, but quite frankly the celebratory drinks last night have that covered!

(274 words)

Alto - waiting in the line up before winning a red ribbon for second in the class

Arabella 'Beckham' wins first in her class and class reserve champion

Wispa wait patiently while the Judge shakes my hand after rewarding her a red second in class ribbon

Those that can’t do…manage!

I currently work as a contract instructional designer for a very large world wide charge card company. I’ve been here on and off since October last year, they like my work so much, they keep asking me back. So when the team leader told me she was leaving and that I should apply for her job I gave it thought. When her manager came to me and told me that she would like me to apply for her job, I gave it a little more thought, then did.

I figured after 10 years of contracting a little stability would do me some good and to top it off I actually quite like doing this job a lot more than project management.

So, I applied, as requested. That was 6 weeks ago.

Until today I had heard no more about it until sitting in the team meeting, with all my colleagues and the new Director of Training and the Director who asked me to apply when she announced that from the many resume/cv’s received, they are currently interviewing ‘external’ candidates (I’m classed as external, ‘cause I’m a scum-bag-contractor) and that next week they will start interviewing Internal candidates.

Why to tell me I hadn’t been selected, even though you asked me to apply!

I think I held it together quite well, although Edna did inform me (she was sitting next to me in the meeting) that I lost a little colour. The Director though was worse by all accounts, the instant she started speaking she realised she’d fucked up, but rather than cutting it short she continued to explain more details.

The longer I contract, the more the title of this entry proves itself to be true.

Not being a smoker, I immediately consoled myself with a whole bag of Naturals Jungle Animals and a Boost juice.

(306 words)

Sushi and Leaning

I love Sushi, I may have mentioned this before, I may not have, but I love the stuff! I could quite happily sit with one of those little conveyor belts going past me for breakfast, lunch and tea.

Roe Boat, Seaweed ship, raw salmon on rice, raw salmon and tuna, gyoza, miso soup and a cuddly toy.

I was having lunch today at an establishment, the aptly named ‘Sushi Train’ which is very close to were I work, it was full as it always is at lunch time, when the one thing that disturbs me about sitting at a jam packed sushi bar happened.

The man (tall, dark and grubby with a touch of body odour) to my left reached his arm across my placemat, shouldered me out the way and grabbed for the Wasabi.

It’s a god-damn moving belt, it moving towards you. Wait for it to get to you!

Now…I know this comes down to manners again and I know I keep going on about them, but I figure it’s may be because I put a higher value on them than others seem too. To me it seems rude to lean over a stranger whilst they sit and eat. I was taught never to even do that to someone I know, so why do people feel the need to do so when in the company of strangers. Maybe it’s because they know the chances of ever seeing the person they offend again are slim to none.

Anyway…I’ve had one of the day were I feel the need to go home and go to bed, because surely it cannot get any worse.

(273 words)

Edna demonstates a finer example of Sushi selection!

Boredom

I believe that as you grow older you should be able to occupy your own time and stop bugging others.

I can quite honestly say that the only time I have ever been bored is when I’m at work. Maybe there has been one or two occasion were I’ve been bored at home. At work, you may have quite times between projects, but it would be inappropriate to whip out the embroidery or other such crafty past-time. Now, that I have writing in my hobby bag, boredom happens much less, even at work.

My hubby is less able to stop time passing at a crawl. He watches telly, plays his computer (be it, game or generally) and … well really that’s it!

If I ask him ‘how ‘ya going?’ He will reply that he is OK, only to announce a little time later that he is bored! Over the years we have had the ‘Get a hobby’ conversation a few times. He’s tried drawing (he wrote his name in the front of the drawing book I brought him), reading (he can only read before sleep, NEVER during the day), gardening (he pruned things until they died, so I had to stop that), playing the guitar (I got him a ‘teach yourself guitar’ book and tape, he wouldn’t go to lessons), remote control boat (the battery died) and puzzles, the jigsaw and mental book type, he got bored.

Help me please, I’m running out of ideas, have you folks got any ideas for hobbies for an unmotivated, prone to boredom male.

(259 words)

Hunter Daze

I spent my Sunday driving around the Hunter Valley with Hubby, Edna and her Mum.

Our day started with Hubby and me getting trapped in the garage of our building. Some bright sparky had started to install a new roller shutter the day before and had failed to reprogram the keys. So for the first time in forever we were late through no fault of our own. Follow that with a brief trip around the western suburbs due to poor sense of direction and we hit our first stop thirty minutes late.

Edna’s Mum got to hand feed an alpaca before we moved onto lunch at Peterson Champagne House (picture of Fern frong was taken there) in the heart of the valley.

Then the real fun started. Hubby handed me the car keys and started enjoying himself sniffing, swilling, tasting and spitting…ohh hang-on that last one didn’t happen at ALL! That would explain why I had a car load of port, Chardonnay and Semillon dessert wine and people singing ‘Lilly the Pink’ and ‘I’ve Got a Brand New Combined Harvester’ on the trip back to Sydney.

(179 words)

Walking Tour

We went for a little walk today (14 kilometres) around Sydney and back again via Yum Cha, the Chinese Gardens, King Street Wharf, the long way to Millers point and the Botanical Gardens. I took a few pictures, some of them quite cute, some picture postcards and some observational art. I hope you enjoy, ‘cause my bum, hips and knees, now ache somewhat!

So, please let me talk you though the pictures I have chosen to share with you.

1. A classic tourist shot from the Chinese Gardens being over shadowed by the city behind.

2. A mother duck with one of her babies. There were 8 of them and they all looked extremely cute. They reminded me of the day I saw a mother and babies on my dam. They were quite happy swimming along until a kookaburra swooped down and gobbled up the one slacking behind. Two days later, there was just the mother left ;-(Luckily, there are no Kookaburras in Sydney!)

3. The sun was shining over King Street Wharf, next to Darling Harbour.

4. The sun shining over wharf three on Hickson Road. We had just walked around a rather confusing exhibition of ‘Installation’ art. Quite frankly, I never get that stuff; give me Kandinsky or Jackson Pollock any day over ‘Flags with fan and hair’.

5. A crevice in the rock wall along Hickson Road filled with a neat line of Tooheys Extra Dry bottles.

6. A pair of feet in wore leather shoes on the escalator in Darling Harbour. I just thought this would be a good idea at the time, we all have our moments.

(264 words) PS. Sorry about the formatting of this post, but I just can't seem to to get it right.

PPS. If you click on the pictures, you can see a bigger version. If you download them, please leave a message in Comments so I know, after all, that's the polite thing to do ;-)

Back to Learning

I enrolled in classes today. I’m a uni student again.

As of the 1st August I will be attending two classes a week for fourteen weeks. Non-fiction writing and Writing Poetry, I’m hoping to find out if I have the talent be a poet and know it.

(47 words)

$13.99kg

I went shopping the other day and saw these lovely lush cherries for sale. I felt my cells screaming out for fruit and veggies, so I proceeded to purchase pears, mandarins and bananas. The Queensland bananas cost $13.99kg. Before Cyclone Larry, early this year you could pick them up for just $2.99. My hubby debated the value of bananas these days, I say Support the poor buggers up north.

Btw… they are yummy, both the cherries and the nanabanas ;-)

(80 words)

Hairy Legs

I have a lovely lady (S) I go and see to rid my body of unwanted and unsightly hair, as most girlies do. I spoke with her yesterday to say that my eyebrows are starting to look like the Yetis and I would like an appointment.

She was quick to point out that she was getting busier and it must be due to sun poking it’s head out for 30 minutes last week. A date was set for my appointment before she went on to say that she was amazed how some women wait all winter before coming in with hair to their knees. ‘Don’t they have sex in winter?’ she asked.

Later in the day a girl in to office was showing me her leg and the cat scratch she had running from knee to ankle. (She has a pet cat who is her world and she lets get away with murder) She apologised from having hairy legs. Thinking back to my earlier conversation with S, I told her the story of hairy ladies and the beautician. Her response was ‘Ohh no, it’s far to cold to have sex in winter’.

(192 words)

Fish Ice-cream Fruit

My friend Edna has her Mum visiting from Germany at the moment. She is staying for 3 weeks; so far one week has passed.

Last night, by chance we ended up going out to dinner together and fun was had by all I think, I say think, ‘cause Mum speaks not a word of English and Edna quite rightly got tired of translating. Not to mention, some things just don’t translate, ie. all the Father Ted references.

On the way to dinner, Mum had revealed that she had seen some strange looking fruits in the Chinese supermarkets and would like to go back and find out what they are. So we ended up in a supermarket, trying to understand what the lady behind the counter was saying to us about the fruit Mum was holding in her hand. This fruit was browny green, the size of my head, covered in spikes and smelled like a pair of used football socks. The little Chinese lady explained in broken English ‘it is good, nice than mango, cut like (here she demonstrated cut up like melon) scoop (another demonstration) and eat’. We also discovered it was called a Julian fruit. Only later, after a search on Google was it revealed to be called a Durian fruit.

Dinner was ‘all-you-can-eat-fajitas’ at a lovely little Mexican place in North Sydney. My hubby and I have been before and the owner seemed to recognize us so we asked after copious amount of meat, guacamole, salsa, cheese and tortilla if we could try our mystery fruit for pudding/dessert.

He was very obliging and whisked it away to the kitchen. It came back, cut into 4 on plates with little napkins and spoons. Edna was first to try and then exclaimed ‘It’s just like ice cream’. Mum followed and I don’t know what she said. I reserved judgement until about 6 or 7 spoonfuls in. ‘I think I’ve got it, it’s like ice cream, but it’s something else as well that I can’t quite put my finger on’. At this point, Edna pipes up ‘Fish!’

(347 words)

Politeness

I’m sure you all know by now, but I am a fan of politeness and manners. Every morning on the way to work I have to walk past the front door of a lower level lodging establishment that does not seem to allow smoking inside or in the rooms. They also seem to be a central hub for bus tours, for every morning there are at least two coaches waiting outside, with luggage strewn all over the pavement and smoking patrons waiting to board the conveyance.

Normally, the patrons are of Japanese or American decent (please bear in mind, these observations are a generalisation and not a rule). The Japanese tend to be quite happy to let the locals weave their way to work while they chain-smoke 7 cigarettes so the blood in the body doesn’t dilute the nicotine levels too much during the trip to wherever. The Americans tend to have the stereo-typical look and sound about them, white socks with sandals, money belts and ‘I heart New York’ t-shirts stretched over a beer belly that would put Father Christmas to shame. The volume of their conversations about how weird the food is in Ozztraalia could also be reduced to a dull roar.

You can image my surprise, when yesterday I was approaching said establishment and two such Americans when they stopped, moved to the side, waved a hand in the direction I was going and said ‘After you ma’am, and have a good day’.

Surprisingly enough, I had a very good day.

(254 words)

Nastiness and Bad Behaviour

My weekend was OK, How was yours?

Mine started on Friday with a quite drink after work. At 1am I found myself taking twice as long to walk home ‘cause I was unable to walk in a straight line. Broken bum had nothing to do with it. A good night was had by all, plenty of drinking, hilarity and good clean fun (J) was had by all. The unplanned nights are always the best!

Saturday saw resting and grocery shopping. It has to be done, we don’t have to enjoy it.
Sunday was a day in the car and at an Alpaca AGM. Once again I am on the committee of the Aussie Alpacas. Hubby and I spent the weekend travelling the countryside so we could go to a farce of a meeting to be voted in as an ordinary committee member (so I can be editor again) and treasurer (hubby). The car trip was painful, but not as painful as the meeting. I won’t go into to too many boring details, but the ‘Carnation’ tried to take me on by criticising content and I did my best to shut her down while being polite. We were after all sitting in her backyard.

The meeting and subsequent battle with ‘Carnation’ made me think again about why people are like that? Nasty and malicious I mean. They don’t get anything out of it, surely? Does it make them feel good? Does it make them feel big or clever? If someone can explain this behaviour to me I would love to hear it, it may enable me to handle it better.

(268 words)

Hooligans

In the midst of the last weeks drama, I have failed to tell you about a couple of things.

The first being ANTM. It finished last week with Jade, Danielle and Joanie in the top three. Jade got kicked out (much to my relief) leaving D and J to duke it out for the title. In the end, Danielle’s stoic nature (breaking her toe in platforms and walking away, posing on a elephant just after collapsing from exhaustion) saw her become America’s Next Top Model. Woo Hoo!

The second thing, I was accused of being a traitor on Friday night/Saturday morning by a complete stranger whilst watching yet another Germany (v Argentina) football match. It happened during extra time, after the bar had closed and Edna was in the loo.

So picture this, me having had a few drinks, in pain from perching all night, alone and being abused by a bunch of largered up lads. I wasn’t really as polite as I could have been. I pointed out that it was silly that they seemed to be supporting Argentina, just because it wasn’t Germany. They then said the ‘krauts’ were a war making nation. I then felt the need to tell them they were talking out of their backsides and had they forgotten about the whole Falkland Islands debacle, plus it’s only a game for Christ’s sake. Get a life! Once Edna got back, it settled a bit, but not a lot and it all resulted in us leaving with 10 minutes and the penalties to go. I have off course cleaned up the language used somewhat ;-) (In case you're wondering the match ended in a draw, but Germany won 4 - 2 on penalties).

I still find it amazing that people get so worked up about a game of football. After all the idea of the World Cup is to bring nations together and play a game or two of football. But the world over fans divide and abuse each other. Really, and I may have mentioned this before, but I just don’t get it!

(347 words)

Comedy Injury

I’ve got a broken arse bone.

On the 27th of June I wrote about dropping a telly on my knee (long story, read the entry) I briefly mentioned landing on my bum too. Well, as it turns out my knee if fine, but I broke my bum.
I was kinda OK all last, it was sore, but I coped. Then on Friday I went out with Edna for a few beers and to watch the football and promptly spent the whole night perched on wooden stools. Saturday I woke up to pain. More pain than had been experience since the great rollerskating incident of ’98 (another story for another day).

Today, I went to the doctor. She asked me what I’d done, I explained. She asked when does it hurt, I explained when I walk, sit, stand, laugh, all the time really. Then she did one last test. She asked me to stand with my back to her, she placed her left hand on my tummy then gentle pushed with her right fingers flat on the top of my bum. After she peeled me off the ceiling she wrote a referral for the X-Ray place.

The radiologist didn’t like what he saw and told me it wasn’t good, but because he not a doctor he wasn’t allowed to tell me it was broken. The Doctor does that ‘officially’ tomorrow.

There is nothing they can do for this type of break, just rest and take it easy while it heals. When I look back over my injury record, all my breaks have been the same;Aged 13 – broke my left little toe on a door frame, treatment none.Aged 20 – broke my index and middle finger on right hand, treatment strapping and lolly stick.Aged 30 – broke the bone on the side of my right foot, treatment none.Aged 331/2 – broken arse bone – treatment none

Not a cast or sympathy gathering crutches in sight, just a bruised and broken arse!

(329 words)

Red Lights!

I cross the road when the little man is red…but only on one way streets or two way streets with a safety island. Yesterday I saw two girls cross a two way street without a safety island on red.

This was a bad plan on their part. They ended up going over the bonnet of a Sydney taxi. I watched in horror as they both rolled over the bonnet then bounced to the ground. They both got up and were helped to the side of the road. The cab driver had stopped and was hanging about and the police and an ambulance were called.

I do know that the one of the girls had hurt her hand as she was having trouble moving it, but she and her friend left before the ambulance arrived. Tut...tut, but I get the feeling they wanted no part of the Police part, as the whole thing was their fault.

Anyway…back to me. I didn’t learn anything from my visual experience and only half an hour later, Edna and I were crossing a two lane road (with an safety island, mind you) before returning to the office.

I really should think back to my school days and use the Green Cross Code.

(168 words)

Scary Hairy

I got stuck in a lift last night…it was not a nice experience and the reason I don’t really like lifts in the first place.

I got in at B1 (the basement) and pushed the button for level 7 (were I live). The doors closed then it started moving. Suddenly it shuddered and shock for a second of two then stopped. I waited, then jumped up and down a bit (I’ve heard that can get ‘em moving again) then I pressed the alarm. After a brief conversation with the disembodied male voice on the other end I sat down and waited for the ‘engineer’.

Forty minutes later the thing moved and the doors opened were I had started. It was a tad surreal it was as if the last forty minutes hadn’t even happened. A vortex of time that will never be returned to you.

I suppose I should be thankful, it didn’t pause on a high level and if the break thingys did fail completely I only had a few feet to drop before hitting the ground.

(151 words)

Ohh Ohh!

I just got the call that tells me another newsletter has been printed and is ready to be posted. I get so excited every time this happens. I can’t really explain the feeling, but I’ll try.

All my hard work over the last few months is finally finished. The compiling of news stories from around the world, the convincing of people to write articles, the convincing businesses to part with hard earned cash to advertise. Then comes the waiting…waiting for all this stuff to land on my desk, normally it requires chasing up, but sometimes I get lucky and it just arrives. The layouts come next, paper strewn across the floor for what seems like days on end, the cat help sort of course! I mull thing over, move things about, lose sleep, move things about a bit more.

After it is all said and done, it gets printed. 225 copies get stuffed into envelopes with letters and whiz their way across NSW and indeed the world (we have subscribers in Europe and an American contributor). Still, after this effort I still have people who complain that ‘this is needed’ and ‘that was a waste of space’ etc. The saying you can never please everyone and it’s very true. But really what makes all my volunteer effort worth it is when just one person takes the time to say ‘I really enjoy the newsletter and wait for it to arrive’.

(240 words)

Never drop...

…a telly on your knee.

I was helping my friend Edna move a washing machine and telly yesterday. We got the washing machine in its room and plumbed in fine. Then we started moving the telly. All was going well until I failed to miss the eight inch concrete step behind me as I was shuffling backwards. I landed on my arse (luckily it has plenty of padding) followed by the telly ramming into the side of my left knee. The comedy factor came in watching me try to heft the damn thing out of my lap so I could stand again. All was well, nothing broken, and the rest of the trip from the car to the flat was pretty much uneventful.

Later, when home I realised the damage that had been done when I got up from the sofa and seized into an ‘old lady’ crouch. My bum muscle hurt, my knee hurt and quite frankly I wanted to cry! Later, Puss didn’t help (even though, to be fair he was trying) when he jumped up onto the bed for a cuddle and landed on my knee. Not once, not twice but three times.

Picture of bruise available upon request!

(202 Words)

I'm Back Again

I’ve been away and lots has happened, here’s a quick recap;
Nnenna and Sara have been kicked Americas Next Top Model,
I’ve finished a major project at work,
My nineteen year old nephew died,
Bought an alpaca,
Bought Robbie Williams and Boy from Oz tickets,
I’ve edited my way through to the end of another alpaca magazine,
Had a bar-b-que in the pouring rain (very English)
I saw Germany win against Ecuador in the world cup,
And I went to a wedding

So… let’s look at the last two.

I’m English, but now live in Australia, so how did I end up watching a Germany football match until two in the morning? I have been asking myself that question all week while sitting at my desk feeling like death warmed up. Although the answer is really very simple, my good friend, Edna Wilt asked me to help her support her home team. Off to the bierkeller (pub) we trotted with hubby and buddy to have a few bevvies (we were actually served by a guy called Jurgen who spoke German) and grub followed by cheering on of the Germans. It was a good an Okay game, but the Ecuadorians were outclassed by the Germans and the final score was 2-0. It was only after the game we learned they had fielded their second team to save energy for when they play England.

In late May I took a very brief trip back to the UK (three and half days) to visit the folks back home, but most of all to attend the wedding of a very good and old friend of mine. If fact, so close, that we were first loves. Anyway…I turned up at the pre wedding drinks the night before to surprise the groom. After a big hug and a couple of drinks, I retreated to my hotel for much needed sleep. The next day I went to the wedding. Being the ex-girlfriend I decided to go dressed in red. UK fashions didn’t let me down and despite being spring/summer all the ladies were dressed in beige or pale blue, or even both! The wind howled, but the rain stayed away, I was freezing even though I was the only one who had come from winter.

The groom arrived, followed shortly by his family whom I hadn’t seen for years. They were really pleased to see me and I got hugs. We all filed inside for the service. The bride arrived wearing an ivory drop waist dress with beaded bodice and chiffon overskirt. The bouquet was made up from blue and white flowers, it was quite nice actually. The service came and went with little drama regardless of the girl how stood up and sang a song a capella. By the time she was only half way through many faces screamed ‘kill me now’. Anyway…the photos were skipped due to the wind, I popped out back to escape and caught up with the grooms niece (when I met her she was three, now she in her twenties, smokes, swears like a trooper and has appeared nude on a calendar). The reception, food and speeches followed (the brown rice broke my teeth). During his speech the Father of the Bride waxed lyrical about his daughter and how lucky they were to have a new son etc. etc. blar-de-blar then toasted them with the wrong surname. In fact, he toasted the new couple by her first married name (faux pas one). The assembled crowd giggled nervously.

After the speeches the Groom mother (who is in her 70’s) decided to make a graceful exit before the ‘youngsters started getting on down’. I popped out to say goodbye as well as the groom, his sister and niece and the bride. After we had said our goodbyes the Mother of the groom turned to the bride, took her hand in hers and said ‘Welcome to the family Jodie’. Now the bride is called Karen (faux pas two) I pulled a ohh-no face and slinked away, the niece cracked up laughing and the mother in law ignored it. The bride however had a face like a slapped arse and thunder clapped above her head.

I spent the rest of the day moving away when I saw the bride…it was only far I think…and catching up with the grooms family. At about ten o’clock I left, but not before the bride giving me a hug and saying ‘Groom is SOO happy you could make it’. The meaning of the lack of ‘We’ was not lost on me.

(764 words)

Been Away

Sorry, I've been away.

I had no access to the internet and have come back to work and a daft deadline. I'll tell you all about my weekend adventure to the UK soon...I promise. But, here’s a sneak peek of why I went ;-)

(44 words)

ANTM – Last two weeks

They had a runway lesson and were taught to swirl. The prize was a $25,000 diamond ring. Jade won. They did a photo shoot for Payless Shoes where they had to ‘crump’. The white girls felt uneasy. Nnenna hogged the phone talking to boyfriend John and Brooke called her a B**ch. Leslie was sent home.

The girls were taught about the ugly side of modelling and did a photo shoot as dolls and crying. Sara (Teen Doll) and Brooke (Glamour Doll) felt uncomfortable in boxes. Fronda came up trumps as a Rag doll. Joanie shone out as a Ventriloquist Doll. As a prize all the girls where treated to a teeth whitening session. Joanie and Danielle were told they could have done whatever they wanted (Joanie’s teeth were wonky and Danielle has a gap you could park a bus in) Joanie proceeded to spend 12 and 6 hours in the chair sorting her teeth out. She was thrilled with results and now she has to learn to smile. Danielle left her gap, the judges told her she couldn’t be a Cover Girl with a gap. We saw the softer side of Jade when her Mum came for a visit and Nnenna was unmoved by her fawning boyfriend John during his visit. Judge Twiggy tried to save the Girl with the most potential, Brooke will be getting no more chances and was sent home.

(231 words)

Jade's Still in!

I was a bit late watching ANTM this week.

This week’s episode was all about acting. It started with Tara Banks fainting and causing distress to the girls. It was an act and how she introduced the activities for the week.

Furonda won the comedy inprov. challenge and picked Nnenna to share her prize, a chance to present an AIDS awareness message on PBS. Then as a bonus she got to be on a comedy program called ‘Veronica Mars’ (not yet in Australia).

All the girls had to improvise a Cover Girl advert as the task this week, no photoshot. They had to walk up some stairs, mingle then walk along the side of a pool and deliver the line ‘dermatologist tested. Easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl’. Nnenna did good. Brooke was terrified she stuffed up and cried after the director told her she was a ‘babbling Brooke’. Mollie Sue was stiff and uncomfortable and Leslie looked stunning, but fluffed her lines. Jade talked herself up then made the classic excuse that we hear every week, ‘the next time I would have aced it, I just needed a little more direction.’

The two left on the podium at the end of judging?

Mollie Sue and Jade. I was of course hoping Jade would go home, but I was disappointed to see that she was reprieved once again.

I should expect to see Jade in till the end. She makes good television with her arrogant attitude. I just find I cringe when I see her on screen. I will of course continue to watch each week and hope that Jade does not become America Next Top Model.

(278 words)

To call or not to call

OK…it’s an unwritten rule and I know everybody is different.
I, personally don’t expect to receive phone calls before 9am or after 9pm (unless it is prearranged, like my folks in Europe). In return I do not call people before or after nine.

So this morning when I received a phone call at twenty minutes past seven I looked at the number and ignored it (several seconds later a message beeped). Luckily it wasn’t important. I only found that out when the same person rang back twenty minutes later (another message) to inform me they had found what they were looking for.

But of course, this pales into comparison when you consider the 2am phone call to find out how to send flowers to an overseas dearly departed. Yes… this really did happen. About 6 years ago in the middle of the night I was shaken from my slumber with a jolt of ‘what’s happened, who’s died’ adrenaline to find an older male voice (can’t say who, but I married into the family) asking how he would send some flowers to a friend who had died in the States. I can’t recall my reaction, but I would guess it wasn’t all that sweet and ran along the lines of 'try going to the florist, like a normal person'.

Moral : Just ‘cause you’re up with the birds or bats…doesn’t mean everybody is.

(226 words)

A Tocally Terrific Weekend

The sun shone for the whole three days of Tocal this year, sending the temperature up into the late twenties. Some of us, who left the house in the morning wearing thick rugby shirts to fend off the cold, got a rude shock by 2 o’clock in the afternoon. However, being too warm didn’t take the enjoyment out of the days.

Once I had made my way up to the show from the car park on a Saturday, (tip: arrive early, if you arrive at lunch time, expect a 10 minute walk just to get to the front gate) my mission was to make the relevant vendors aware of the newsletter I edit… and the possibilities and advantages of advertising with us. I also managed to take in some of the sights and sounds of the fieldays (yes, that is spelt correctly;-)).

There was a reptile display on the main stage, telling the girls and boys in the audience all about the not so humble saltwater crocodile. ‘This little critter at only forty centimetres long and fourteen months old would quite happily bite your finger off’, followed by Russian dancing girls. It made for an interesting contrast.

Lunch and drinks were provided by one of the many Rotary and Loins Clubs vans in ‘Eats Street’. There was a choice of a steak sandwich, a hot dog or a sausage in a bun, one van had Chicken rolls with lettuce and mayonnaise, (but sold out just before lunch on Sunday). A little further on you could get corn on the cob. But, after a morning of walking up and down deceptively steep hills, a hot dog with fried onions was just what the doctor ordered.

After lunch I was back on the beat. I managed to exchange details with twenty six businesses who were interested in reaching a new audience. I spoke with water tank makers and suppliers as well as the man who provides the pumps to get the water to the troughs. Lawn and paddock care was also covered. Maybe, soon the alpacas of the my region region will be dazzled by the solar powered gates that were on display in D Street. Not only did I chat with potential advertisers, hopefully in the near future we will be seeing articles from the Rural Fire Service, the Department of Primary Industry and Land Care.

Sunday saw me helping out on the Raffle/Information table in the Alpaca Tent. One of our regional members was front and centre with three beautiful alpacas from the public to touch and ask about. The organisers extraordinaire also had some animals in a pen to the side of the pavilion. At 12.30 there was an ‘Alpaca Basics’ talk which was well attended by many of the people who had picked up show bags earlier in the day. The day was only spoilt by the wind picking up pace at about eleven. It brought with it dust and the need for rocks on leaflets to stop them blowing away. The hatches were securely battened down and things were once again more pleasant, but not as perfect as the days before.

On the way out, after my stint on the Raffle Table was over, I stopped to appreciate the Army band on the main stage, before making my way through the food halls. Yummy Tasmanian Salmon and local wines were there for tasting. In the Organics tent I made my first and only purchase of the weekend, lemon myrtle tea.

Despite the aches I feel now, the day after the weekend. I had an amazing weekend at the Tocal Fieldays. Even if you aren’t in the market for a tractor or a cattle crush a great time is to be had by all the family.

(647 Words - This is an edited version of the article I've written for my newsletter - I've taken out names and the cutie bit about the kids stuff ;-))

Confession

In general I steer away from reality television. But there is one show I watch. It is American and can only been seen on Fox 8 (cable/satellite TV) in Australia.

I watch Americas Next Top Model.

I have no idea why I like this show so much considering my general feeling about ‘reality’ television, I just do and I would like to have a go at justifying it to myself…ehh…you.
These girls are mostly under 25 and really want to be models. Now, undoubtedly they are beautiful, but at the beginning (we are 5 weeks in) most of them seem to have no talent, confidence or personalities. It is like a flower blossoming. They change and grow over the weeks.

Today, twenty-one year old Gina left. At the beginning she was sure that she could do it and become one of the few Asian models. With cheek bones up to her eyebrows it was looking good, but she was a mouse. She took great pictures, just from her natural good looks, but her poses lacked spark. Jade, ‘I am the undiscovered super-model’, the oldest at 26 and brimming with ‘I’m so gorgeous’ confidence, picked on Gina and even shouted at the house ‘This isn’t Americas Next Top Best–Friend’ when told to be nicer to her.

The other girls have divided into two cells. There are the chatty girls (Danielle 20, Brooke 21, Nnenna 24 and Furonda 24) you see a lot from and then there are the girls you hardly ever see anything off (Leslie 18, Sara 21, Joanie 24) when the film footage from the ‘house’ is shown. Mollie Sue is one of these. At twenty five, she is the next oldest after Jade. She is the picture of a Mod model from the early 70’s. In fact so much so, in the second episode during the make-over they cropped hair already short red hair even shorter. She has a wirey frame and clear skin, but according to the judges she doesn’t ‘make any effort’. So far I have yet to see her stepping out of line, bitching or ignoring lessons.

In today’s episode the girls were taught the difference between Editorial (high fashion) and Commercial (catalogue) poses. Then the challenge was to do a commercial photo shoot for Sears. The idea being, pose in clothes for the four seasons in four outfits as quickly as possible. ‘Time is Money’ after all. Nnenna won the challenge and all the outfits that had been used by the girls.

After this the girls were asked to reveal what they would like to be when their model career is over. There was only one girl who said she wanted to be a Mum. The other’s all seemed to want to protect the world from injustice or cure disease. Anyway, once this was revealed they were told they had to do another photo shoot in which they were to portray their future selves in high fashion style. Some of the photos were sensational, others not so.

Anyway…it all ended with the Judges (Twiggy, Tara Banks, J. Alexander, Nigel Barker and Guest) kicking poor ole’ Gina out. But before she left, she stood up to Jade. Something I don’t think she would have done 5 weeks ago.

I watch each week, seeing these girls go through so much heartache (Nnenna split with her boyfriend over the phone this week) and some joy, to do what…be a 3D coat hanger.

I love it! Can’t wait for next week…will Jade be kicked out or will it be Bro…

(593 words)

Editor Pains

I’m so tired! My hubbies snoring could win medals. At times it is so loud that the whole bed shakes with the vibrations. For the last few weeks I have been sleeping on the sofa, on the odd night, which is about three inches too short for me to stretch out on. Couple that with two cats trying to fit on as well and it can make for an interesting night.

I say interesting, because I do actually get to think about things as I lay there looking up at the ceiling. Or lying on my side watching the Bluetooth flash its little blue light (I’ve stuck some blue-tac over that now). Last night (the second night in a row on the sofa) I had a hundred and one alpaca things running through my aching brain. Letters for advertisers, print out puzzles, print out mazes, don’t forget to pick up books…etc. I am the volunteer editor of an Alpaca newsletter/magazine and this weekend I have to go to a show and try and sell subscriptions. So, in the night all I could think about was the list of stuff I have to take with me.

Anyway…I’m tired, but I have a very comprehensive list of stuff to take at the weekend.

(211 words)

Cult Calling

Exactly one week after I attended I got my first (of many I’m sure) follow up phone call from ‘the cult’ asking if I wanted to book on the ‘Forum’.

I politely declined.

(33 words)

Surprise Flowers

I haven’t been well the last few days. I’m better now, but I just thought I would share that for the first time in about 5 years, my husband brought me some flowers, because he ‘thought they might cheer you up.’

(41 words)

Unwell

I’m not feeling crash hot today. I still feel naffy and to make thing worse I’m having to deal with IT at work. They are being difficult about the new workstation that has bee delivered to my desk. I’m happy with the laptop I’ve been given to use during this short eight week contract.

I’m feeling cold one minute then sweating and shriving the next. I’m going home and to bed!

(71 words)

Telepathic Lift Rider

I work on the 27th floor. The lift travels fast to 15 then stops at all floors. The journey can take anything from less than a minute to five minutes. When travelling down I often play a game with myself ‘How many stops’. I guess how times the lift will stop before we hit the fast zone. I very rarely get it right, but it kills a little time.

First thing in the morning during rush hour (0800 – 0930) the lifts are packed solid with people travelling to all floors. As someone going pretty much all the way to the top of the building I try and get to the back of the lift, but if I find my nose pressed against the doors I get out at each floor to let others alight, but jumping backing just as the doors close.

But, and you knew there was a but coming…I’m amazed at the amount of people who barge and shove their way out without saying ‘excuse me’, it is as if all the passengers just telepathically know which floor each person is getting off at.

I have been told that I am too often amazed at the way people behave. Quite frankly I hope that I never lose that amazement. Because I don’t ever want to be so jaded I just accept this type of behaviour.

(227 words)

I don't feel so good

I think I'm going down with a nasty. I feel crappy, I've got a headache, I ache, my nose keeps running. I hope I didn't catch the bug that TheOtherAndrew has been suffering from, when I saw him for the 'tourist photo session' on Good Friday. Or even the really nasty nasty that has been plaguing my hubby for the last few weeks.

Maybe if I see myself being well, I can create the possiblity that I haven't caught a nasty from one of the coughing and sneezing masses of Sydney ;-)

(92 words)

Anzac Day 25th April 2006

It was lovely…a day off in the middle of the week to relax and do nothing. I scrapbooked part of a present for a friend, ate some nice food, caught up on some telly watching and spent some time with my hubby discussing stuff. Generally it was very fulfilling.

One thing that came up was how the Australians seem to have two days in the year were everyone gets to pat themselves and others on the back for ‘being’ Australian.

Australia Day happens in February. On this public holiday people wander the streets with flags, making merry, watching ferry racing on the harbour (if in Sydney) and having a great time just being Australian.

Anzac Day happens in April. On this public holiday people watch a parade of returned and serving service men and women, take in the circling DC-10’s and congratulate them for protecting this great land from trinary and the threat of invasion. All of that is followed by the afternoon in the pub, playing Two-Up. A game that involves tossing two coins into the air and hoping they both land showing the same face. It is the only day of the year that gambling is allowed in all pubs.

On both holidays of course, many use it as a chance for a long weekend and bugger off up the coast, the police use them as a way to get people off the roads by making it double demerits weekends (twice as many point on your driverslicence).

But, I’m from Britain. There we have no national day (the only country in the world, I believe, not to have one). Remembrance Day or Poppy Day as it is more commonly known, is in November. Eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month and you don’t get a day off, just a minutes silence.

I don’t have a point to this, just saying.

(317 words)

Will we be saved by Aliens?

I went to a Landmark Forum introduction seminar on Monday night. I went along with pretty preconceived ideas. It’s like Amway and they’re gonna try a shrink my brain. It was neither of these things, it was WORSE!

These people just want to help you improve your life and make you happier. The lady running the session told us of her experience. She attended the Forum three and a half years ago and it had changed her life so much, she never left. She wanted to help other s as she had been helped. The other lady in the room, had attended five years ago, she had been helped so much her husband and three kids have all attended. Her sixteen year old son had benefited so much he no longer get into trouble. He’s sixteen, he’s supposed to be getting into trouble!

Straight after leaving the session I felt like I wanted to do this three day intensive (9am – midnight) course, I felt lighter and happier. I wanted to tell everyone about my new found discoveries about myself, I wanted to SHARE!

The next day, after the first full nights sleep in a while (my husband snores, badly) I woke fresh and full of clarity. I had attended my first CULT meeting!

I couldn’t believe that I had been sucked in with such ease, it had been so subtle.

Arrrggghhhhh…

(230 words)

Odd Day

I’m having an odd day today.

After a rather exhausting weekend (shopping and lawn mowing on Saturday, followed by a midnight drive south due to hubbies asthma again, then up at 7am on Sunday morning to drive three and a half hours to an alpaca meeting then back again) I cannot get into work. Well, physically I’m here, but my mind is wondering and I find myself just wanting to hide under my desk, curl into a ball and sleep.

I have caught up on all my buddies blogs, plus a few that I’ve never seen before. I’ve written the report for yesterdays alpaca meeting, I’ve read the Land newspaper from cover to cover and done some facilitators notes on a couple of slides for work (I’m currently writing training material) But mostly the thing I really want to do is sleep and get warm.

I can’t even go home straight after work, shower and curl up with a book for the 3.8 nanoseconds it would take me to go to sleep, as I am committed to going to a seminar that I’ve put off before. I daren’t put it off or I’ll never be invited again.

Must go…I’ve just had a brief inspiration about why the project has such a crappy name.

(213 words)

Fortune Cookie

I went to a Chinese restaurant for dinner tonight and was given a fortune cookie, it read :

Promises are like babies…
Easy to make, hard to deliver.


(28 words)

Just Like Driving

Am I the only one who walks like I drive? OK, I do walk fast, yes! But what I really mean is that I walk to the left of the pavement, I check over my shoulder before turning into doorways or overtaking and I always have a look behind me and move to the side before I stop.

My lunch times seem to be filled with drama this week.

Today a woman stopped in her tracks in front of me, in the middle of the footpath. She emerged from a shop to my right and stopped directly in front of me, head down. I quickly sidestepped, but I caught her with my shoulder. I apologised and asked if she was OK, while thinking ‘twit, watch where you’re going’. She proceeded to get abusive and tell me I was an idiot for walking into her and that I should watch where I was going etc. At the point that she called me an idiot, I pointed out that had she been paying attention and moved to the side of the path to hunt for her ringing mobile in the bottom of her massive sack of a handbag the collision could have been avoided.

As you can image she didn’t like that much and yelled at me some more, getting very worked up, she even started spitting (very unattractive). I decided, my lunch hour had already had enough precious time sucked away from it by this woman and asked her one last time if she was injured. When the question was ignored, the abuse continued and a crowd (abate small one) had started to form, I left her yelling into the air.

I’m sure that could be classed as Pavement Rage!

(289 words)

Big Digger

Whilst at lunch today I saw a quite beautiful lady crossing the road towards me. I was admiring her lovely shoes, and nice hairdo, when she stuck her index finger up her nose and practically dug out her brain. Then she flicked her finger toward the road, presumably to dislodge what she had extracted, from her finger.

The sun seemed to go in and there was suddenly a chill in the air. I found myself horrified at such a display, when I realised, she probably just had a dry bogie annoying the inside of her nostril. It’s happened to us all at some point in our lives, but maybe we have been more discreet or had a tissue/hankie available.

Would I have been as shocked if she had been beaten by the ugly stick at birth? Would I have been as mortified if she had been short with nasty shoes?
Finally, would I have been as upset if I hadn’t seen her flick the offending bogie in my general direction?

I think, Yes!

(173 Words)

St Vincents Hospital

I took a trip to the hospital last night. It’s OK, I’m fine, but my hubby had a major asthma attack. They looked after him really well and we made it home for 3am this morning.

(36 words)

Good Friday

It was indeed a Good Friday!

It started with a small lie in, followed by feeding Blossom Possum. She is staying with us for a little while and is very, very cute. She loves her milk, then grapes for pudding.

Lunch was a seafood platter at a nice, but touristy eatery called ‘I’m Angus’ in Darling Harbour. After that, a lovely walk around the harbour (avoiding rug rats, not easy on a public holiday) to the Chinese Garden of Friendship.

After paying our $6 to get in, I was at first horrified at the amount of people, but it was OK, it was just a wedding party having pictures taken. The crowd thinned out considerable as we hit the rough cobble stones (high heels + cobbles = twisted ankles). The stands of bamboo shielded the noise to make a surprisingly tranquil space in the heart of Sydney. The walk includes seeing water dragon and skinks, and a group of orb weaver spiders in their three foot wide webs. Every corner turned brought a new vista.

I was lucky enough to get a chance to take some lovely photographs of the sun hitting the water too. The angle was perfect, just before sunset.

After a quick walk home, I was off out again to meet some friends for a tourist style photo shoot of the Harbour Bridge and Opera house at Sunset. Miss Eudoxia, the Other Andrew, his friend M and another friend nicknamed Yellow Tie. We took pictures of Sydney until it was dark, then moved onto a lovely Thai restaurant for food. Yummy yummy food. It was a lovely day.

My day was only marred slightly, actually thinking about it, it was actually quite funny. Somebody left an Anonymous comment about my blog name. They said it was their real name and I was a weirdo (‘cause I write erotica) and should therefore take my blog down. Ohh… even better, that I had seen their name on their website and I had stolen it. I think that’s great ‘cause I own www.jodiesorrell.com (currently putting pages together, lots more erotica) and have been using the name for years. About 25 years in fact. So if that Jodie Sorrell had a webpage back then... congratulations on being named after my first two cats!

(385 words)

Busted!

I had a funny experience on the road today. I was driving through a roadwork zone, travelling at a little over the 60kph speed limit. I had a queue of traffic behind me, ‘cause most people didn’t actually want to break the speed limit any more to overtake. However, one idiot did and gave me the one fingered salute as he passed me. I could only laugh. What a twat!

The best bit of this, was the fact, for once, a police car was around when you needed one. He got pulled over! Tee Hee :-))

(95 words)

Facial Freedom

I got contacts yesterday!

So the first thing I did was go out a buy a cheap ($10) sunnies. They are purple with big lenses and diamantes in the arms and little stars. They are hideous, but so in fashion I had to have some.

I think these are going to be OK, I’m trying out the ones I can leave in for a month, night and day. I woke up this morning and rubbed my eyes a little before stopping and thinking, ‘Opps, can’t do that.’ I had a little more goop in the corners, but otherwise it was fine. And best of all I could see without having to find my glasses.

(114 words)

Wit Failure

I thought of something really witty to write about for todays blog, but now I sit in front of the PC, I’ll be buggered if I can think of it.

So here are the lyrics for one of my favourite songs.

Oh Very Young by Cat Stevens (1974)

Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
You're only dancing on this earth for a short while
and though your dreams may toss and turn you now
They will vanish away like your daddy's best jeans
denim blue, fading up to the sky
And though you want him to last forever you know he never will (you know he never will)
And the patches make the goodbye harder still

Oh very young
What will you leave us this time (oohh)
there'll never be a better chance to change your mind (ohh)
and if you want this world to see a better day
Will you carry the words of love with you
Will you ride the great white bird into heaven
And though you want to last forever you know you never will (you know you never will)
And the goodbye makes the journey harder still (and the goodbye makes the journey harder still)

(Will you carry the word of love with you, will you ride, will you ride, will you ride?)

Oh very young
What will you leave us this time
You're only dancing on this earth for a short while

Oh very young
What will you leave us this time

(251 words)

Foggy - Woohoo!!

I was driving tonight and saw a dot-matrix sign on the Freeway. It said;
ONLY USE FOG LAMPS IN ADVERSE CONDITIONS
then flashed to
$75 FINE!

Woohoo! Finally there must be someone in the police or the RTA (Road Traffic Authority) that feels my pain.

(45 words)

Fetish

I was asked recently by a friend in an email to explain a fetish as he wasn't convinced that he had any. This is how I explained it, I wasn't sure I did a good job.

'There must be something about a woman or a situation that turns you on. For instance, a woman walks into a bar wearing high black shoes, a short red skirt and loose white blouse. She has blond hair piled on top of her head in a bun. What is the first thing you think? Be honest. Is it the shoes? Do you wonder if she has on stocking and tiny black panties? Do see her with her hair loose and hanging around her shoulders? Or is there something else you think. It may even be, if only she had red hair.

A fetish doesn’t have to be wearing leather or sucking toes or anything 'extreme'. It can be a simple everyday thing that gets you hot a steamy under the collar. Think about it and let me know what you think about you fetish status is now.'

My personal fetishes are corsets and my beautiful thigh length black leather boots.
I'll let you know his reply ;-)

(203 words)

Threesome

I woke up in a pussycat sandwich this morning. The antisocial ginger one is Puss, and Newk is showing his tongue. Winter must be approuching.

Messenger

My name is Jodie and I’m a Yahoo messenger slut.

I have been using messenger for years (since 1995). And I have over 50 people on my list. Some of them I haven’t spoken to in a while I admit, but over the years I have deleted more names than are on my list now. Anyway… what’s that got to do with being aa slut you ask?

I met a man online the other week, a man in Baltimore USA. He was a refreshing sort, he didn’t talk about sex at all during our first conversation, and I didn’t do my normal ‘check profile immediately’ so I was chatting with a total unknown and it was lovely. Anyway, just as I was about to leave I checked out the profile.

WOW!! He had told me that he worked in security and did a bit of modelling, but I gave that the normal amount of notice (ie. none), he also told me he was 6’1 and black. I also didn’t really care about that till I saw his picture on his profile. What a hottie!

Anyway…I’ve written him a story. I normally don’t write erotica for someone I only just met, I make them wait, but this guy is so hot I was inspired to write something after just two conversations. If I’d met him in a bar it would be the same as sleeping with him on a first date!

It will be one of the stories on my website if I ever get my finger out and put it together. It is called ‘The Repair Guy’ But in the mean time I decided to put up a Jodie’s Stories blog. Hope you like it.

(285 words)

The Gods and Goddesses of Hellfire

Last Friday (the 17th) I went to Hellfire. It is a fetish club that opens its doors once a month on the 3rd Friday. I went with a friend, I’ll call him Sam ;-)

I spent a little time gathering my outfit. Corset, stocking, thigh length black leather boots and bra from wardrobe. Coachman hat from a friend. Net tail and fringe skirt from a fabric shop and sewn together by me. All in all I had the makings of a burlesque dancer. I even had a riding crop with a little hand on the end. Sam being new to the whole fetish thing, wore black jeans and a black singlet t-shirt. (And he looked too good to be straight ;-) I loaned him a pair of leather handcuffs.

Anyway…wardrobe choices aside we arrived about half an hour after opening (10pm) to a virtually empty bar. So we ordered drinks and propped up the bar by the door. This way we had the best seats in the house for a spot of people watching. And boy did we see some stuff. It was amazing, but the thing that got to me the most was that everyone who passed through the door was beautiful. Not pretty, beautiful, but happy and free of the inhibitions and worries that plague us as people.

One man came in wearing jeans and t-shirt and carrying a rucksack. He stood behind us and shed his clothes leaving only a collar and pair of very brief briefs. He then produced a dog bowl and lead. His clothes went into the bag and off he trotted. Now, he was lily white, balding and spreading in the middle, but he did not care on jot! It was lovely to see.

After watching the door for a while, and after Caeser and Cleopatra (this will take you to the Hellfire blog, WARNING : some hardcore piccies) had come in, Sam and I made our way downstairs to the dance/show area.

Ohh… baby it was mighty fine down there. Lots of black in leather and PVC and lots of skin. One girl will stick in my memory for quite a while. She wore nothing but chains except for two tiny little triangles of leather covering her nipples. Very shortly after we saw her she was wearing nothing. Then the man who had taken her from her mistress proceeded to bind her in red rope. It was some of the most beautiful rope bondage I have every seen. Poor ‘ole Sam was entranced. The girl slipped in sub-space and the guy hadn’t touched her skin with anything but rope. It was great to see a true rope master at work. In fact it turned out to be the master of another play area.

It was a great night, lots a people watching (the guy all in black PVC was beautiful), a little boogying, a smidgin of mingling and plenty of eye popping.

Sam had an amazing time and has promised to put effort into his outfit next time.

The event that will stickin my mind though was the very convincing transvestite in the bathroom. We had a wonderful conversation abut corsets before I turned to leave. I pulled open the door and she grabbed it above me head (she was very tall).
‘After you,’ I said
‘No, after you,’ she replied
‘After you,’ I repeated with a smile
‘No, really, after you, some habits die hard.’

(572 words)

It’s Not Foggy 2 (another driving niggle)

Why don’t Aussie seem to think there is a third lane on the freeway. They amass as a solid line in the middle lane and hassle you if you are going 10ks over the speed limit in the right hand lane (fast lane) but the left (slow) lane will be empty. I don’t get it.

I must admit it can be very nice to pull into the left, put on cruise control and sail past all the frustrated drivers in the other lanes, but I wish they would learn to use all three lanes.

My favourites are the little oldies, hunched over the steering wheel, plainly afraid to change lane, but they sit in the middle lane, going 90 watching all the other car zip past them.

(127 words)

PS. In Australia it is in fact illegal to sit in the middle lane if the left lane is free, but it is not illegal to over take on the left (undertaking;-)

Vanity Publishing

I was reading the Sydney Morning Herald the other day and saw an article about blogs. Well, it said a blog is ‘Vanity Publishing’ it went on to say that people who have blogs believe that they should tell everyone what they think and are under the illusion that others actually want to hear those opinions.
1st - I have no illusions, I know no one cares what I have to say and if they do care, they let me know by making comments (thank you by the way for caring ;-).
2nd – The lady journalist who wrote the article is a published writer, who seemed to be under the impression I gave a stuff about what she had to say about blogs. Just because she gets her words printed on paper seemed to make it OK for her to give everyone who read her words her opinions on blogs. (big inhale of breath)

Ohh and by the way … just to show you how vain I am, I’ve decided to start publishing my blog in a bigger font ‘cause my eyes are crap and I can’t see the small one anymore!

(184 words)

PRINCE 2

From the 14 – 17 March I decided to do a bit of training. Professional training that is. I’ve got to a stage in my career where I’m being told I need qualifications. First it was a degree, so I started a Post Graduate course late last year. Now I’m being told I need a recognised project management methodology. So I enrolled onto a PRINCE 2 course (PRojects IN Controlled Environments) I spent a full 4 days, dazed and confused, most of it didn’t even seem to be sinking in.

On the Friday, I had to sit a multiple-guess one hour exam that I had just about scraped through in the mock homework ones. It was horrid. But amazingly enough I passed and to put the cream on the puddin’ I came 3rd in the class.

Now all I have to do is pass the next one too. (3hrs of essay writing based on case studies :-})

(155 words)

New Thing - Word Count

Hey... I just thought of something I would like to do. Mainly because I just did it in 'Canberra - Our Nation’s Capital' I think I'm gonna put a word count on anything over a paragraph or two long. I will put the count at the bottom of the post in brackets.

Please continue to enjoy, this feature will hopefully add to your enjoyment by letting you know if the post may be a little long winded!

(77 words)

Canberra - Our Nation’s Capital

I went to Canberra recently (23&24 Feb). After 7 years in Aussie I thought it was time to travel south from Sydney and do the patriotic thing, don’t you know.

Actually I went there to see the Canberra Show (mainly the alpacas) and do a report for my little newsletter. Anyway... after arriving at the show and making my way through the fun fair (carnival, fair ground or side show alley, whatever) I saw all the animals including the cows, goats, sheep and finally the alpacas. After the alpaca I also treated to camels too! I also learnt how to use a single tail whip. That was cool until I caught my shoulder. That hurt…a lot! After a hotdog and a slushie we left to check into the hotel.

Now, you may not know this but Canberra is a city set around a very large lake. Parliament house is on one side of the lake and surrounded by a road system made up of circles, that links to the city by a bridge across the lake goes to the city, which is also set in the centre of circular roads. The whole thing is great on a plan and looks stunning on a map, but when you are driving around it for the first time it makes for very interesting navigation. A way into the Hotel was found eventually!

Later, after a shower and change of clothes (the showground was very dusty) dinner was very much in order. The restaurant was called Waters Edge’s and very nice it was too. It boosted a very limited menu and cost a fortune but it was worth every penny. The food was divine and service was second to none. Jess the manager and Joshua ensured the four hours where passed with the consumption of great food, wine and an atmosphere that would be rivalled in the best establishment around the world. I would recommend it to anyone travelling to the area.

Sunday started with a shock to my system. Firstly, I was up in time for breakfast on a Sunday, as if that wasn’t enough, someone, and an evil someone, snuck (sneaked, hid, secreted, disguised, covertly inserted) a piece of grapefruit in with my orange, I thought it was blood orange!. It was mean. I eat pretty much anything, but that one fruit type is so off the charts in uckyness for me I can’t even describe it!

Anyway, after I had recovered it was a short drive to the Telstra tower. The highlight of that was seeing a kangaroo bounding through the bush below, the views were pretty good too.
The Australian Museum was good, but it didn’t have enough old dusty stuff in cabinets. It had ‘displays’. Tasteful collections of a few items tied together with very wordy plaques. It’s great for the kids, not so great for an old stuff/junk queen like me.

A drive around the Embassy district was fascinating. You could tell just by looking at the walls and gate houses which country was paranoid and which wasn’t. I took a few photos of the prettier looking ones until I saw a Diplomatic Protection Service vehicle trailing. An exit was made rapidly, which probably made me look all the more guilty. Ohh…well!

The Royal Mint brought a surprise. The drive around the city streets had failed to turn up an ATM (cash point), the streets are all wide with great dividers and huge verges, shopping centres are hidden way away from the main streets, (which gave the whole town a clean spaced out sterile look) so after the show the day before, I had a grand total of 85c in my wallet. I needed cash. I thought the one place that would have cash would be the mint. Wrong! A little machine just inside the display area proudly announced you could make your own dollar with just $2.50 (don’t ask;-). Again, I’m a bit of a tourist trap magnet and wanted to make my own dollar. So I walked up to the man in the shop, when I stopped in front to him h said ‘you look like a lady on a mission’. I explained my dilemma and he gave me $2.50. Yes, that’s right, he gave me $2.50. I suppose if anywhere can give away money it’s the place they make it. The rest of the displays where entertaining and fun to look at (if you like that sort of thing).

After a brief stop for chips and cash, the drive for home started.

(longish - 762 words)

It's not foggy!!

OK.. this is a driving bitch in two parts… I've been driving alot lately and these are the two this that really get my blood boiling. There is another blog entry in the other thing...but another day.

RAIN
We had rain the other day, and a lot of it. It fell in copious amounts on the freeway I was driving on. It was 4.30 in the afternoon, so sometime before darkness but yet, it was darkened by the massive black clouds dumping its contents onto my and many other cars. Yet… people still failed to turn on their headlights! Why ohh why is it always the grey or black cars that do that, the ones that are impossible to see until you are up their arse?

FOGGY
OK…It’s night and all headlights are on, as they should be and I’m driving along. Until someone comes the other way and blinds me with his Fog lights. You know the ones, the little lights just below the headlights that seem to be brighter than the sun. Only problem, It’s NOT foggy. It’s a clear bright night as most are in Sydney! Well, when it’s not foggy, they are brighter than the sun! And No they aren’t ‘driving’ lights. Those are the headlights!

Yes... I know this rant is both about not enough light and too much, get over it, it’s my blog and I’ll rant if I want too.

Blow off!

I heard a great blow off line in a movie the other day. It was a rather silly TV movie called ‘The Librarian : Quest for the Spear’ it starred Noah Wyle (Carter from ER). Anyway, I’ll set the scene.

Noah is on a plane and a beautiful woman comes towards him. She sits down in the seat next to him and he starts to speak to her.

She holds up her hand and says, ‘Let’s just think about this for a second, shall we.’ She turns to him and continues, ‘I am out of your league, I’m so out of your league, that if your league exploded, I wouldn't hear it for three days. So let us continue in a comfortable silence shall we.’

I love it. And best of all, she says it all in a haughty English accent. Sets it off perfectly!

Melbourne Not!

I’m not going to Melbourne!

On Wednesday the guy I was going to be working with was asked to leave. His management style no longer suited the bank. So my reason for moving was removed.
OK, the job I signed up for is still there, but I wasn’t going for the job. I was going for the chance to work with this guy so I could learn how and how not to do things.

Ohh…well, Sydney will just have to put up with me a bit longer.

Billy

It was Valentine’s Day yesterday and for the first time in years, we did something.

After work we had a nice Chinese dinner followed by Billy Connelly in concert at the Sydney Opera House.

I laughed so much I though I was going to wet myself. He came on the stage at 8pm and talked until 11.15, running an hour over. He talked about getting old, renovating houses, religion (many unimpressed faces in the audience), his wife’s trip around the world, his stuffed Scottish wild cat, his days living alone in a Glasgow tenement and finally ballet and opera. At 63, he still pranced around the stage like a school boy and waxed lyrical about peeing.

Today, I ache. My shoulders, my tummy and my jaw. If laughing is such a good form of exercise I should start going to more comedy shows. It beats the gym!

Rudeness in Business

I have alpacas. I’m the editor of a newsletter about alpacas. I am on a regional committee. So not only do I have the pleasure of being an alpaca owner, I have the trouble of dealing with alpaca breeders and newsletter advertisers.

I love being editor of the newsletter, but I don’t like having to gather advertising. I got told to ‘bugger off’ this morning.

I called a countrywide water pump company and asked to speak to the person responsible for the print advertising decisions. The receptionist (I assume) told me that the person was unavailable at the moment. I asked if I was to call back who I should ask for. At that point she said, ‘you may as well bugger off now, she’s busy and won’t speak to you anyway.’ Then she put the phone down on me.

I was shocked, after all my humble publication offers full A4 page black and white for only $80 (Aussie dollars), but I didn’t get to mention that. Chicken feed to a company as big as the one I was calling. So I wonder, how companies manage to get as far as they do with little or no customer service skills. If the receptionist had said, ‘I’m sorry our advertising budget has been allocated this year’ or ‘we only advertise with X and X’ or ‘I’m sorry, we aren’t looking to advertise any more at the moment.’ I would have left them in peace, but, bugger off, that was just RUDE!

When I need to replace the water pumps at the house, I won’t be buying from them.

What are they thinking?

As you will all know by now, I’m moving to Melbourne. Well, I applied to go to Uni down there, so I could continue the studies I started in November in Sydney. I called them to check that it was OK that I was applying late in the season and spoke to a very nice guy who assured me that it was fine and even the fact that I didn’t have an undergraduate degree wasn’t a problem as I had started Postgraduate studies in Sydney. So I sent my application with the transcripts of the postgrad work so far, a list of publications I have achieved, an example of my writing and my CV (resume).

Anyway, I got a letter back on Friday, telling I didn’t satisfy the criteria of entry as I don’t have a udergradute degree.

Yes, an udergraduate degree. They had sent me a letter with a typo on it telling me I wasn’t good enough. The letter was 8 lines at best and they spelt the KEY word wrong!

Do I really want to attend a University that can’t even sent out a correctly spelt rejection letter. Do I really want to attend a university that doesn’t know how to spell check in Word (see Word!) Worse still, it was probably a template and the same error had been sent to others too.

Creature of Habit

I used to bite my nails, but I stopped when I had a boyfriend who had longer nails than me, I was 16 and just coming into my girlieness.
I used to pick my nose, but I stopped when I realised it was Disgusting with a capital D! I was young enough not to worry about it, but old enough to know it was wrong.
Now, I fold sweetie wrappers into knots and leave them wherever I’m sitting (‘cause they are tidy now ;-)
My hubby also tells me I have many more annoying habits that get on his nerves, including leaving the loo seat down.

But just now, in the ladies at work I realised I have one habit that is truly odd. I always go into the same cubicle. As you walk into the room there are five cubicles to the left. I always go into the second one. I just went in and that door was shut and the little red engaged was showing. I paused, not sure what to do, then walked out. A few seconds later I returned having told myself off for being silly and went in the fourth one (which I do when the second is occupied).

Another revelation came to me as I sat. I always sit in the same seat in the little Noodle House I go to for lunch, tucked away in the corner. The same stool at the bench in Sushi Train and even at the Yoshinoya (a natty little Japanese eatery).

What is it with seats? Thinking back I have always done that. Every job I have ever had (and it’s a lot, ‘cause I’m a contractor) I’ve always had a place I ‘sit’.

I must stop! I don't want to be the mad English woman sitting in the same seat and/or scowling at interlopers for beating me too it.

Word!

I was told the other day by a guy I work with that he knew how to use Word. When I asked if he was at beginner, moderate or expert level he assured me he was an expert. I was glad because he had to do some major changes to a document as part of a project I’m working on. The document had been written by a lovely lady who has a passion for Georgia font and loads of colour and highlighting. A subject matter expert in her field, but not a document writer. The 430 pages had a massive 300ish styles!

So, I asked him to put in styles so the document could be indexed and easily maintained. I asked for all the white space to be taken away. I asked for all the bullets to be made uniform (there when 26 different bullet types), spell check it (data base to database and over view to overview etc.), and generally make it into a document that all concerned can be proud of.

He gave it back to me and he had changed the headings to Heading 1, that was it! When I asked him about it, he repeated that he knew how to use word, but he didn’t know how to index. I can’t repeat what I said to him but needless to say it wasn’t polite. I took the document home as I was now running late on the deadline and with the help of my husband (I make no claims to be an expert, but he is) we made a fantastic document.

So…I ask, how can people not know how to use a product that has been around for 10 plus years now, and is the most common word processing package in offices and homes the world over. I understand it’s all about what you use it for, but for goodness sake, surely something simple like styles should be on the list of basic word usage.

As I said before, I’m not a Word expert and still learn things from time to time, but I have to smile when I hear people say ‘Word doesn’t work’ or 'it's crap', then you find out they are trying to do move text around an embedded excel file. (it’s easier to put the file in as a picture via paint)

Anyway, the reason for this rant… I have finally finished the document and it is at the printers. It is 2.30pm on Thursday 9th February 2006.

When I get it back I bet I open it and see an Over View. :-))

It Rains in Melbourne!

I got the job in Melbourne, which means I have to move away from Sydney. I’m glad I landed the plum job that puts my careening career back on course, but I have to move to bloody Melbourne to do it!

Just as I was making friends and getting a life (I’ve been in Sydney three years), I’m moving to a new town, in a new state.

The New Job - Program or Programme (depending were you come from) Manager at a large Australian bank for its Basel II (compliance) program. Lots of high flying and wheeling and dealing to get things done. It should be hard work, but fun. I’ll be working with a couple of people I have worked with before and many I haven’t. One of the guys I will be working with called me Rachel for a whole week even though I had a name tag on.

The Issue – It’s in Melbourne! I understand that it is the cultural capital of Australia, with its art galleries, kick arse shopping and café life, but it also rains more, it’s cold and windy. I’ll have to invest in a coat as I gave my UK ones to charity. In the seven years I have been in Australia I haven’t worn a coat once. With the wind coming straight off the sea from Antarctica (over a lot of sea) it gets a little chilly at times.
I shall miss my friends. Miss Eudoxia (http://misseudoxia.blogspot.com/) the vet cum firefighter cum new career (can’t say what it is, she hasn’t told her mum yet). She’s mad but she looks after my pussy cats like she loves them even though she allergic. She’s been there for me.
My new friend, Miss Kate, the project manager at my current gig. Totally crazy and just as eager to start a new job as I am.
My hubby of course, who is staying in Sydney for a while to sell our house and close up this end. I’m sure we’ll get together at weekends though.

The Planned Solution – To go out with Todd, my drinking buddy, and warm myself from the insides with plenty of Jack. Ohh…and a new alpaca coat ;-)

Timeline :
19.2.06 Fly to Melbourne and check into hotel for two weeks.
20 – 22.2.06 Flat hunting and Melbourne discovery
23.2.06 My first day at new job
25 – 26.2.06 More flat hunting and Melbourne discovery
27 – onwards Hopefully have found flat by now and moved in. Carry on with job.

The Right Tools

I’ve been slack and not written about this, even though it started two week ago. I currently work for an internationally known credit card company. I can’t say the name of it but I’m sure you would recognise it immediately if I did.

I am currently writing training material for a large project that involves many Powerpoint slides. This makes for large files. Two weeks ago I ceased being able to save any more document on my PC or common drives. I have been saving them to a USB key since.

Then a week ago, the printer broke. I spent over an hour trying to un-jam it yesterday. The man from Canon is coming out tomorrow.

A PC still running Windows 95 and Office 2000 I can’t save anything too, a printer that doesn’t work, a PC that make a squealing sound that only whales should be able to hear and assistant that barely speaks English.

I am now unable to save or print. Not bad for someone on a tight deadline.

So it got me to thinking, what ever happened to the term ‘the right tools for the job?’

Don't Drive Sleepy

We’ve all heard the ad campaign; Don’t drive drunk, well I think the new one should be don’t drive sleepy. I know the Aussie's already have Stop, Revive, Survive but I think that slogan is getting tired (pun intended;-)

Last night I had to travel in the early morning, along country roads with the risk of kangaroos and kamikaze possums. I was lucky that I saw none; if I had I wouldn’t have stood a chance. I realised once I reached the freeway and was forced to a more reasonable speed that I had been driving with a ridiculous amount of confidence because I wanted to reach my destination before 2am. I had been driving at speeds that even me, a self confessed lead foot wouldn’t dream of doing during the day or evening. But, it being night (morning in fact) the chances of being caught by Plod was slim to none!

I reached my destination at 1.50am and promptly feel asleep on top on the bed covers, fully dressed. I woke this morning and recalled nearly losing it on a sweeping bend and being blinded by oncoming trucks.

At least when you’re drunk you drive slowly! Or so I have been told, I never drink and drive. But, happily I got into my car sleepy, daft isn’t it?

Stoopid, very, very stoopid!